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I couldn’t speak. I could barely breathe, and he noticed. The worry in his dark eyes made it worse. I didn’t need this now. What I needed was a fucking punch to the face to distract myself from my inner world falling to pieces. What I needed was for a fucking doctor to tell me she was alive.
Johnny’s hand on my shoulder forced me back to the room. To him snapping at fans to leave him alone and shoving hands off his arms as people tried to get his attention.
“What are you doing here?” I choked out, grasping at anything other than the endless thoughts of Kaylie.
He wasn’t supposed to be here. Not for another week. We borrowed his beach. We—everything inside clenched, a physical pain burning through my gut and chest until I had to choke back a scream. Just yesterday, we were happy. She was so full of life. She was mine. Now she—
Johnny grabbed my arm, dragging me with him as he ran from the crowd and the growing noise. A group of girls attempted to follow, and he snapped. Swirling around, he flew out his arms, making the fans stagger back from the sudden motion. His shouting at them to back the fuck off, to show some bloody respect, would have made me smile if I wasn’t too busy fighting to stay afloat. Somewhere in my fragmented mind, I found myself thinking,it’s my job.The goddamn mob of fans was all over him, and I did nothing. I couldn’t even open my mouth to tell them to fuck off.
Someone called the guards, and when the fans were escorted away, the room fell as silent as a fucking tomb. The sour looks and the whispers were back. Johnny backed me into a corner, away from the curious eyes. One hand on my shoulder nailed me to a wall, and somewhere deep inside, I was glad.
“I came early,” he said. “Went by your place and some neighbors told me.” He threw a look over his shoulder at the waiting area before turning back to me “What happened?”
“She collapsed.” I didn’t recognize my voice. It was too raw. Too close to breaking.
Johnny’s hand on my shoulder tightened. “Fuck.” The way he looked at me forced me to look away.
The pity. The unspoken words he didn’t need to say. I couldn’t handle it now. One soft word from him and I’d fucking snap. Everything within me clung to the frail layer of strength that held me together. One tap. One fucking tap and I’d crumble like a house of cards.
“Hey,” Johnny started, and my head jerked back to him.
“Don’t,” I snapped. “Don’t fucking say it.”
A shadow of a smile came over his face. Then it vanished just as fast. He knew me well enough to understand. He wasn’t much different himself. Trying to stay strong when everything fell apart. He was a fucking master at it. Until everything piled up and came crashing down. I was there to pick up the pieces, and contrary to what he believed—knowing the truth about his fucked-up life only made me admire his strength more.
Johnny shook his head, squeezing my shoulder. “You don’t have to do this.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing whatthismeant. But he was wrong. I did. If I let myself go, I couldn’t come back. I knew too damn well what this kind of pain did to me. Shutting it all out was the only way I knew how to cope. How to survive. But since Kaylie, I couldn’t go back to being numb. After Julie, I survived by reducing myself to a shell of icy cold nothingness. Shutting it all away, deep down, where no one could reach it.Shedid. She brought it all back. And now I was left raw and bleeding in her absence. I couldn’t go back. But I couldn’t go on either.
“Sir?” A Black nurse with a high ponytail approached. Her eyes skipped to Johnny and widened for a moment, then the shocked look on her face faded. She looked at me, a pitying look in her big dark eyes, and I knew. She spoke, but her words filtered out in the thunder of my heartbeats. The room grew warm, until the air was too heavy to breathe, and I choked on my own pain.
“Sir.” The nurse touched my arm, trying to catch my attention. “Mr. Maddox?”
My eyes swung to her, seeing straight through her as everything I forced back clawed its way out.
“Marc!” Johnny tried. “Listen to her. Hey!”
A sharp sting in my cheek broke through the vacuum, and the outside noise rushed back.
“We’re doing all we can but it’s critical,” the nurse explained, throwing words I didn’t grasp at me until I screamed, cutting her off mid-sentence and making her flinch.
“I would advise you to—”
I stopped listening as my world fell apart. She didn’t need to say it. I knew that sentence. It wasn’t the first time I heard it.Say your goodbyes.There was nothing more soul-crushing than having that last hope taken away. It was fucking worse, knowing she was alive but barely. Knowing she was fighting for her life—but losing.
“Can we see her?” Johnny asked what I couldn’t, and the nurse shook her head, speaking words I refused to hear.
I already lost her. I couldn’t deny it any longer. Clinging to hope that didn’t exist would only prolong the torture. I had to face the cold, hard truth. Kaylie’s face flashed before my eyes. Her smile. Her ocean blue eyes so full of love—and life.
“Marc,” Johnny whispered, and everything burst. The control I clung to, was ripped away like a rug pulled from under my feet.
I staggered, falling against the wall. Johnny’s arm was around me, and I fought him with the little energy I had left. I needed him to fucking knock me out. To save me from myself. But instead, he clung to me as I sank to the floor. He didn’t say a word, just stayed with me as I struggled to breathe. The pressure inside was too much. It burned its way through me until I felt it at my fingertips. Searing. Cutting. Ripping. I couldn’t hold back the scream that tore through me. I couldn’t even breathe.
I got to my feet and ran. The walls closed in on me, making the suffocating pressure in my chest worse until I stumbled, throwing my hands up against the wall for support. I fell forward. Leaning on my palms, I pressed my forehead to the hard surface while fighting for air on the inhale and choking on noises I refused to let slip, on the exhale. Everything spun around me. My vision blurred.
Voices reached me. Worried hands on my back forced me to get it together. I pushed off the wall, away from the staring people. Then, before I could slip through the exit door, a strong hand caught me. Then one more. My back slammed into the wall so hard it knocked the last air from my lungs.
“Scream if you want, fucking cry if you must.” Johnny’s face was in front of mine. “But don’t run from this. She needs you here when she wakes up.”
