AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I choked out a laugh-mixed sob. “When? WHEN!” I tried shaking him off me, but he held on. “IF!IFJohnny, and thatifis mother-fucking small.”
His face softened. His grip loosened. “Don’t give up.”
I choked on another breath, cursing myself for not having it together. What the fuck was wrong with me? This was not who I was. It never fucking happened. Not even with Julie. “I can’t,” I gritted out. “I fucking can’t.”
“You can.”
I couldn’t. Not this time. Not again. I couldn’t stand there and pretend to be strong when I was dying inside. It was too much. I’d take a bullet to my heart before this.
I lifted my gaze, forcing myself to see him, to see through the blurry vision and the squeezing of my heart. “If that was Bree. If she was fading away, her heart failing, would you stay?”
The pain flitting over his face made me regret my words. He’d seen enough death and despair without me throwing the most precious thing he had under the bus. Even if only metaphorically.
“Yes,” he said, and I scoffed. A cold, broken sound that made him look away.
“Don’t fucking lie to me,” I choked out. “You’d be halfway across the country.”
He laughed bitterly, knowing I was right. There was no one better at running from their shit than Johnny. He spent his whole life running from his demons. Until rock bottom forced him to face them. I wasn’t there yet. I couldn’t face this.
“Suck it up.” Johnny grinned as I stared at him in surprise.
The shift caught me off guard.
“That’s what you wanna hear?” he asked. “To cut the fucking crap and man up. Huh?”
Before I could speak, he went on. “Yes, she might die, and I know how that fucking destroys you. But if you walk away now…” He left it hanging, and I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed. If this wasn’t a taste of my own harsh medicine…
I fucking needed it.
“If you taught me one thing, it’s this,” he added in a softer tone, and I scoffed, scrubbing a hand over my eyes.
“To be a fucking dick?”
Johnny grinned. “Learned from the best.”
*
“We’ve done all we can. It’s up to her now. You can see her.”
The doctor’s words echoed in my head as I stood in the doorway to the small brightly lit room Kaylie was in. Could I do this? Could I see her motionless and small in that bed? With machines beeping and blinking all around her. With tubes and wires taped to her skin. I knew it all. How it would look. How it would cut deeper than a knife to the gut. This was why I blocked out everything that made me feel. Everything that hurt. I wasn’t as strong as I appeared to be. Not when Ihadto be. Not when I needed it the most. I was fucking weak. A goddamn pussy who couldn’t bring himself to hold her hand.
I wasn’t there for Julie when she died. For the same fucking reason. I couldn’t bring myself to face it. I was ten when I clung to my mom in a hospital bed just like this. When I begged her not to leave me. But cancer took her anyway. I watched her die and not until Julie did I understand how deep those scars were. How they still hurt, years later.
I couldn’t do the same now. Even when everything inside screamed at me to go. To leave and never look back. To throw love and all the heartbreak to hell and forget I ever met her. I couldn’t. I fucking couldn’t.
The short walk to her bed felt like miles long. Each step bringing me closer to a breaking point. Each breath burning like fire in my lungs. Each heartbeat, like razors through my veins.
My gaze fell on her, and my breath stopped. I forced myself to take the last step, sinking into a chair next to the bed. I gripped it, squeezing until my knuckles turned white and a raspy breath squeezed into my lungs.
“Kaylie?” I rasped. Letting go of the chair, I reached out but stopped. Hand hovering over hers, I fought the sting behind my eyes. I lowered my hand, stroking my fingers over her pale skin before grasping hers. “Please don’t leave me.” The words were barely a whisper, but they were enough to let loose the tears.
They rolled down my cheeks, silent and hot, as I locked my eyes on her face.
“You promised me,” I choked out. “You promised not to leave. I’m fucking holding you to that.” I lifted her hand to kiss it, then clasped it between both mine, and buried my face into them. “Goddamnit, Kaylie, stay with me.” My voice cracked, and I whispered the word brokenly onto her skin. “Stay.”
Then I cried. Letting everything rip through me like I never did before. I couldn’t fucking stop the flood wave this time. It was too powerful. Too fucking much as it washed over me, bringing all the hidden pain to the surface. It consumed me, swallowed me whole until I was convinced I’d die too.
I barely felt the hand on my shoulder. The silent support I never asked for from a friend I put through hell.
