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By the time Paige arrives and abandons her car at the end of Thor’s driveway, I’ve managed to put my pants and shoes on, and dry my tears. She ushers me out to the car without a word spoken to Thor, and bundles me inside, not missing the wince and hiss of pain as I sink into her passenger seat.
We ride to Kenzie’s house in silence.
Thor was right about not playing tonight, maybe he’s right about me leaving, too. Rationally speaking, it should probably have been me saying very clearly, "Ow, dammit, I said black. That hurt."
And him saying, "Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. I didn't hear you the first time. Are you okay?" And that would be the end of it because I don’t have anything in my background that would send me into a panic after a safe-word was missed.
Maybe if it wasn’t a kink situation that’s what this would be. But I’m not okay. My gut says to take a beat.
Austin opens the door as we pull up, and he comes hurrying down the pathway. Fifty bucks says Thor gave him a heads up as to what happened. Austin pulls open the car door, picking me up without a word and carrying me into the house.
I don’t have the strength to argue. I link my arms around his neck and rest my head on his chest. When we’re inside, I expect him to put me down, to stand me on my own two feet, or sit me on the love seat next to his girl.
But he doesn’t.
He sinks onto the couch, still holding me tight to his chest, and he just... sits.
The final pieces of a dam I didn’t know was crumbling fall away, and I sob into my best friend’s boyfriend’s shoulder until my throat is raw and my chest hurts. I have no idea why I’m so upset.
Austin doesn’t shush me, he doesn’t rush me, or move me, he just holds me. And in the moment it’s all I need. Someone to hold the pieces of me together until I work through my trauma.
Because that’s what it feels like, fucking trauma.
When I finally stop blubbing and whimpering enough to pull together a sentence, I clear my throat. “Did he tell you what happened?”
Austin doesn’t shift under my weight. “He did not give me specifics. But he did inform me that he missed a safe word, yes ma’am.”
The silence that fills the room is overwhelming.
“It was an accident.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince my friends and this stoic, comforting dominant whose arms are steadfastly wrapped around me, or myself.
“Yes, ma’am. It was. But that does not negate the fact that your experience was still clearly traumatic.” He strokes my arm. “In every dynamic, both parties are capable of making mistakes. It is how we learn from and recover from those mistakes that is important.”
“Learn from?” Wiping my face with the heel of my hand, I risk a glance up at him. His features are soft, there isn’t a trace of impatience or irritation on his face. Austin really is one of the good ones. But it sounds like he’s speaking from experience. “Have you made a mistake before?”
A rumbling chuckle vibrates his body. “Yes ma’am.”
I chance a glance over at Kenz. “With Kenzie?”
She shakes her head as he answers “no ma’am.”
“How did it feel for you?”
“When I was a newer dominant, it would feel crippling. Once I matured, I recognized it as required for growth. Ultimately everyone involved is human, and we all have the capacity to make mistakes. It is unfortunate that Thor did not discuss how you both prefer to address an error should it occur.”
“I’m kind of new to this whole thing, Austin. I’m not sure I’d have had an answer for him even if he’d asked. I don’t even know why I freaked the way I did. He’s never hurt me before, he stopped at my safe-word last time...”
“It is a shock. You got scared, and that is okay. In some ways it can feel like you have failed. Guilt is a powerful emotion. Ultimately if you are mature enough as a couple you will talk through it. That does not fix things by any means, but it makes a difference and can leave you second guessing and underperforming in some cases until the confidence returns.”
Nodding, I follow his words, but right now the idea of ever being in that space again is a hard no. “How do you fix something like this? I can’t even imagine...”
He tightens his grip around me, his thumb still stroking my arm. I feel like I’m being irrational right now. But I can’t shake the unease holding my body hostage.
Mackenzie worries her thumb nail between her teeth, leaning forward, elbows on her thighs, and while I can’t see Paige in my peripheral, I feel her discomfort. I imagine she’s been here a number of times, as a switch, maybe even on both sides of the fence.
“If I care for the person I have hurt or crossed a line with, I revert to the basics of our dynamic and rebuild our communication. Lots of work on providing feedback. Only entering a session if there will be consistent, almost over the top checkpoints. Simultaneously working back to the tool or activity where the error occurred.”
I re-bury my head in his shoulder, his heartbeat thumping against my body in a calming rhythm.
