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Catherine smirked. “That was two questions.”
“Brat.” Jason chuckled. Then he reached for her hand, picked it up, ran his thumb over her knuckles. “Answer the questions, baby girl. Both of them.”
She didn’t pull her hand away, but she didn’t look at him either. She just sat there, seemingly lost in thought. But he knew her well enough to know she just didn’t want to answer.
“You put yourself in danger, Catherine.”
She nodded. “I know.”
“You made me worry.”
Another small nod. “I know that, too. But…” Her voice trailed off.
He brought the back of her hand to his lips. He was conflicted, and he hated it. He hated indecision, hated hesitancy. He prided himself on his courage, on being bold. Following things through. Those qualities were how he made it to the Olympics.
“You misinterpreted my comment,” he said softly, unable to keep the chiding tone from his voice. “I didn’t mean what you thought I did. I would never insult you like that, Catherine. Never.”
She nodded, just once, almost imperceptibly. “I know,” she whispered, so quietly he barely heard it. But the nearly inaudible acknowledgement made him smile.
He rubbed the hand he held between both of his, swirling the pads of his fingers over the back of hers, enjoying the warmth of her skin and the little tingles of anticipation, lust, nerves, that sparked between them at his touch.
“I can’t have you running from me, Catherine. You have no idea what it did to me.” He shook his head, trying to clear away the memories. The sheer terror that had welled up inside him, threatening to overwhelm him was not something he ever wanted to experience again. But how could he tell her?
She glared at him fiercely, her eyes as sharp as lasers. “This isn’t just about you,” she snapped.
He held her fiery gaze with a steady stare of his own. “No, it’s not,” he agreed. “But I can’t go through that again.” His voice cracked on the last syllable and he bent forward, resting his head in his hands, willing himself to keep his emotions at bay. He hadn’t made it to the top of the equestrian world by falling apart at the drop of a hat.
“So it’s a deal-breaker for you then?”
“No,” he said, but it was long and drawn-out. Hesitant. Inwardly, he cursed himself. He wanted to say it was a deal-breaker; he wanted to protect himself from ever feeling that kind of pain ever again. But he couldn’t do it. He shook his head. “No, it’s not a deal-breaker. But please don’t run from me, Catherine. Please.”
There was a long silence and he held his breath the whole time. This really was the make-or-break part, and there was nothing for him to do but wait and see what she decided.
Her hand tightened around his, but still, she didn’t speak. She wanted to, he could tell. Or at least he thought he could. He liked to believe he still knew Catherine well enough to be able to gauge her thoughts, but as they sat there in silence, he wondered if maybe he was wrong.
“I can’t…” Her voice trailed off. “It’s…” She sounded broken, like she was close to tears. “He…” She took a deep breath. “How…”
Jason didn’t know what to say, or what to do. He was as conflicted as she evidently was. But as he watched the different expressions of confusion, hurt, and something he couldn’t read flit across her face, he understood.
“This is about the abuse, isn’t it? And your ex?”
She nodded.
“Fear of me hurting you? Or struggling to reconcile it in your head?”
“Both.” The word was a whisper, but it sounded so loud at the same time. So loud, but also so uncertain.
“This is different,” he said. “It’s consensual—that’s the difference. If you don’t consent, it doesn’t happen. You’ll be safe, Catherine. I promise. We’ll make a safe word, or some kind of signal, and if you need to stop for any reason, whether physical or mental, it stops immediately. Okay?”
Catherine looked down at the bed, her lower lip quivering and the hand that he held, shaking.
“I’m scared, Jase. I know it needs to happen, I’m just scared.”
“What are you scared of, baby girl?” he asked gently.
“The pain.” She sucked in a breath. “And of freaking out.”
“Well, it is going to hurt,” Jason admitted. “There isn’t a way around that—pain is the whole point. It’s meant to sting, and it’s going to. Ithasto, to be effective. But I don’t think you’ll freak out, because you know you can stop me at any time.”
