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My chin trembles, and those tears I’ve been fighting leak out, because she doesn’t realize I did cause it. I gave him the idea.
“Would you like a hug?”
I nod, and she wraps her arms around me. As I sink into the comfort, I realize this is what it’s supposed to be like. The way I have to protect my mom from my dad isn’t normal. I shouldn’t be taking care of everyone else all the time. And that knowledge makes me cry harder, because the bubble I’ve been in for the past week has burst, and everything good feels like it’s hanging in the balance, waiting to drop.
I don’t know how long we stand there, BJ’s mom holding onto me while I fall apart, but eventually my tears run dry. I’m so tired. So hopelessly exhausted.
Lily squeezes my hands. “Why don’t you try to get some rest, okay?”
“Thank you, Mrs. Ballistic. For everything you’re doing for me.”
“It’s Lily, honey. And we’re here to help.” She crosses the hall to BJ’s room, and I notice my backpack is sitting just inside the door, which means BJ saw me snot-sobbing all over his mom. I don’t even have the energy to be embarrassed.
The booze has been removed, so I’m guessing BJ tucked it away. I rummage around and find my toothbrush, then head for the bathroom. I always keep one with me for post hockey practice, so my mouthguard doesn’t get funky. I cringe when I get a load of my reflection. My skin is blotchy, and there are huge, dark circles under my puffy, red eyes. I look as bad as I feel.
I use the bathroom and pull a fresh shirt from my bag. The dryer sheets inside don’t mask the scent of stale cigarettes. But there’s nothing I can do about that.
When I open the bathroom door, BJ is sitting on the edge of the bed. He looks tired and worried. He motions to the nightstand. “I brought you a glass of water.” He extends his hand, palm facing up.
I cross the room and slip my fingers into his. He pulls me between his legs, settling a hand on my hip. He inspects my face.
“I look like shit.”
“You look beautiful and sad and tired,” he murmurs.
“I didn’t want you to know how bad it was,” I whisper.
“You’ve been fighting for a long time, huh?”
I bite my lips together. I don’t want to cry again.
He wraps his arms around me. They’re a family of huggers. “I can stay with you if you don’t want to be alone tonight.”
As much as I want the comfort, I don’t want to give his parents a reason to send me home. “I’m a thrasher. I’ll be okay on my own.”
He stands and gives me a chaste kiss. “I’ll leave my door open. If anything changes, you know where to find me.”
“Okay.” I climb under the covers, the sheets cool and soft against my legs. I’m used to being hot at night because we don’t have air in the cabin. I grab one of the other pillows and curl around it, trying to calm my mind enough to sleep.
I get there, but bad dreams make it hard to stay that way.
I must be noisy, because eventually BJ raps on the door and slips inside. “I can’t save you from the nightmares, but you don’t need to suffer through them alone.”
“What about your parents?”
“They’ll understand.” He climbs into my bed and curls his body around mine. “It’s gonna be okay, Snowflake.”
I want to believe him, but history tells me it probably won’t be.
16 OPEN YOUR EYES
Winter
I get a couple of hours of sleep with BJ wrapped around me. But I’m anxious and restless, so when six thirty rolls around, I climb out of bed, careful not to disturb him. I grab my backpack, change in the bathroom, and head downstairs. The house is quiet as I enter the kitchen. Huge windows offer a view of the lake and the sun cresting the horizon. The kitchen itself is bigger than our kitchen, dining room, and living room combined. The counter is white, polished stone. No empties litter the surface. There are no cigarette butts in the sink, no clutter on the counter.
My stomach rumbles as I fill my water bottle, and I glance at the pretty bowl piled high with fresh fruit. I won’t snoop in their cupboards, but it would probably be okay for me to take something from the bowl. I grab a banana and a shiny, red apple. I eat the banana standing at the sink, trying to savor it. I drop the peel in the garbage and tuck the apple into my backpack. I leave a note so they don’t wonder where I’ve disappeared to and hop on my bike.
I arrive at the hospital at seven thirty, half an hour before visiting hours begin, but the nurse at the desk lets me in to visit my mom right away.
