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I often wondered how I’d manage after losing my mom. I knew the day was coming, but held it so far from reality, almost as if it wouldn’t come to be. But the truth is, it’s far more heartbreaking than I ever could have imagined. Every day, everywhere I look, all I see is her ghost.
But my physical existence without her is the most debilitating torture. A painful reality I awaken to every minute of every day since she passed. My soul aches inside of my body. I feel restless. Anxious. Ruined.
That woman was my everything. She birthed me, fed me, clothed me, brought me into a life without abuse, and struggled so I could pave the path she always desired. She sacrificed herself for my happiness in every sense of the word, creating avenues for my future so I could excel and succeed at the price of her selflessness and dedication.
The thing that kills me most is I wasn’t able to give her what I’d fought so hard to do. I needed to be back on that field for her, bringing back some of the hope her illness had taken away.
But I was too late.
She didn’t get to see me soar again. After years of cheering for me on the sidelines, waiting to pick me up after practice, driving me to tournaments, making snacks for my teammates, all of it. She was gone, and I was empty.
Dylan’s words tore through the empty heart of mine, tearing the last little bit in two.You’re right where she wanted you.
I’d wondered about their last conversation on Thanksgiving before we left. They were holding one another, leaning in together as both of their eyes stayed locked on mine. Had she known the end was near? Was she holding out for me? Did seeing me with Dylan give her that last breath before she could finally let go and say goodbye?
Everything hurts as she holds her hands around the sides of my neck, her forehead to mine. I can’t even look at her right now as we breathe the same air between us. Feeling too much and all at once, I’m aching, building up with an urge to obliterate something while feeling completely crippled in pain.
“Why don’t you come inside?” she whispers, her tears mirroring my own.
Her thumbs wipe mine away from my cheeks, and she dries them on her sweatpants. They just keep running as I stare at her through them. I watch her do it again, then wonder how the hell she’s been through this with both of her parents.
This woman, who has had so much adversity in her own life, is still here for me. Holding me together.
I don’t deserve her.
“I can’t.” I shake my head, looking down at her lap on mine.
I can feel her eyes on me as she figures it out.
“He’s sleeping, Lake. He won’t even know you’re there.”
Remaining motionless, I still don’t answer.
“Come on,” she urges, her fingers sliding into the sides of my hair, holding my head to hers. She waits for me to open my eyes. “You can’t stay out here. You’re exhausted. You need to rest. I’m sure you haven’t slept in days.”
“I just need to go for a drive.” I lick my lips, tasting the salt from my tears.
“Lake—”
“I’m sorry, Dylan,” I say sympathetically. “I just can’t sit. I don’t want to think. I just...I just need to move.”
She nods, a silent understanding of my pain as she gazes down at me.
“You don’t have to go through this alone, Lake,” she whispers, running her thumbs along my cheeks. I tighten my jaw, attempting to rein in the flood.
I’ve never felt more alone in my life. My only actual family is gone. Yes, there’s Dale, but our relationship was never one with great depth. My mom and he got together much later in life when I was already away at college. He was an amazing support system for my mother, and I’ll be forever grateful to him for his love for her, but our connection may fade after this, as sad as it is.
I’m the last of my name.
The last of my family.
I just need to sit with that for a while. Drown in it. Submerge entirely before I can find my way back.
Sighing, I reach up, cupping Dylan’s face between my hands. Her lips part as I hold on to her, tucking her hair behind her ears so I can see her entire face. Studying it. Memorizing it. Remembering it.
“Take the job, Dylan,” I demand. Her forehead creases in confusion before I repeat myself. “Do it. Take the job. Please don’t let that go.”
I know her type all too well. She’ll selflessly sacrifice this for me. Ruining her name just for the sake of me. It’s too much. I’ve already run one woman I love into the ground with my desire to be the best. I just wish her life would’ve been easier on her.
