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A part of me, a part that seems to be growing stronger by the day, doesn’t want this summer to end.
“Okay, let me know if you want me to mind my own business but...” I quickly change the subject before these rising emotions put a damper on our night. “I think that young, handsome guy in the gray suit who was sitting next to Mr. Kim at the meeting today is into you. He kept stealing glances at you the entire time, but not like in a creepy way. And when you mentioned that thing about changing forecasts to monthly instead of quarterly, he was really impressed. I mean, this may be totally inappropriate for me to say, but I’d never seen anything like it. It wasn’t obvious or anything. But it was like something straight out of a romance novel.”
A shy smile spreads across Hee-Jin’s face. I’ve always seen her as so confident and so in control, but she seems disarmed by the comment.
“Thanks, but I can’t imagine that’s true,” she says as a pink blush covers her cheeks. When I think about how lonely Elijah’s life must be, I realize that it’s probably the same for Hee-Jin. Does she get the chance to have pajama parties or talk about crushes with her friends?
She clears her throat and shutters her expression. “Plus, it wouldn’t be appropriate in the workplace,” she says.
The sudden change in her disposition throws me off guard and I quickly apologize. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to...”
“No, no, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to shut you down or shame you. It’s just that...well... I’m engaged to be married.”
My eyes immediately drop to her left hand. No diamond, no ring. Empty.
“It hasn’t all been finalized yet. We’re planning the engagement party now. His dad owns a very large distribution company, and it was kind of a done deal for us to get married from an early age.” She raises her eyes to me slowly. “I know it sounds totally antiquated and backward.”
“Do you love him?” I immediately throw my hand over my mouth. I can’t believe I just straight-up asked her this. We barely know each other.
“Would you respect me less if I didn’t?” she asks.
I swallow a lump in my throat, equal parts sadness and embarrassment. “I don’t know if it’s any of my business to feel one way or the other about it. Who am I to have an opinion on your life? I promise, I’m not here to judge.”
“Thing is, I know it seems old-fashioned, but it’s not as weird as it sounds. We met because of our families, but luckily, we like each other. There is definitely an attraction there. But this could’ve been a lot easier in any other circumstance. There’s a lot of pressure on both of us since it’s imperative that our companies play nice with each other.”
I want to tell her I understand, give her the approval she seems to need from someone, anyone. But I guess, even though Elijah mentioned that stuff like this still happens, it still shocks me. It’s especially weird hearing it from a person I respect and look up to as a powerful businesswoman.
A sudden chill hits my spine as my mind plays it all out in my head.
“Wait. Is Elijah matched with someone too?” My voice sounds small and I’ve forgotten how to breathe.
She doesn’t look away, but the silence goes on for too long. I have my answer.
“Oh, yeah, I mean, of course he probably is, not that it’s any of my business just like it’s none of my business that you’re marrying for the company and not for yourself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And even better if you like each other and you know, love can grow...” My lips keep moving as the voice in my head screams for me to shut up, to run away, to never look back at these people and their world that I don’t understand.
I think about the kiss Elijah and I shared the other night. The small touches and secrets kept just between the two of us since our first week here. Being on each other’s sides and going through what we have this summer together. I thought... I thought...it doesn’t matter what I thought. There’s someone else who is supposed to be sharing these things with him for the rest of his life. Not me.
Hee-Jin reaches out and gently squeezes my hand.
“He hasn’t even met her yet. It’s all just an expectation, a contract of sorts. But there are no emotions attached. And, maybe, it will be different for Elijah than it is for me. Who knows? All I do know is that watching Elijah with you this summer, I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve never known anyone to believe in him like you do, which helps him to believe in himself.” Her smile is kind but laced with a bit of sadness.
A sadness of my own settles in my chest and I wonder if this will be how I always will feel whenever I think of Elijah in the future—a future I won’t be a part of.
“Don’t worry about any of that right now,” Hee-Jin says as if reading my mind. “Enjoy the summer and let him enjoy it too.”
I just nod, grabbing the remote control and turning on the documentary. As I focus my eyes on the screen, I do what I’ve been doing all summer, what I’ve gotten really good at...
Pretending.
20
elijah
I don’t know how I let Jason talk me into going for a run before work.
But honestly, despite the fact my lungs are burning and my legs feel like jelly and this guy’s killer body makes me seem like the scrawny kid in gym class, running up the West Side Highway along the Hudson River is a slice of heaven. If I wasn’t gasping for air, I’d probably be smiling right now.
“Hey, let’s take a quick break, man. I’m hurting,” I wheeze.
