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I scramble for something to say. For a way to explain.
“They, uh, needed someone to take notes. And they wanted someone with feminine writing to do it. And you and I both know I have really nice penmanship. You insisted I pay attention in school even since the earliest days. And I’m so lucky I listened to you because I nailed cursive in elementary school and it’s now really coming in handy. You should see the way I write myj’s...”
He hasn’t said a word, but I can hear the slight whistle of my dad’s nose as he breathes heavily. The trouble I’m about to be in...
“Jessica Yoo-Jin Lee,” he says.
Oh no. Not the full name.
“I told you to simply do your work and stay out of the way. Your performance will do the talking for you. You should not be in these executive meetings. You should not be noticed by anyone. If they find out that I’m your father, it jeopardizes the entire future of the internship program—as well as my own reputation and yours. I’ve always been against using connections to get ahead and been vocal about privilege creating an unequal playing field. If anyone finds out you’re my daughter, they will assume I helped you get the role. People cannot become curious about your background. Do you understand?”
If my dad only realized that having connections is, in fact, theonlyway to get ahead. Things like good grades and hard work only get you so far.
It’s an impossible situation and frankly, I’m a little peeved he’s asking this of me. Of course I need to stand out. I need to take advantage of every opportunity as if it’s my last. Because it very well may be.
So I ignore the niggle in the back of my head, the one wondering why my dad is being so unreasonably protective. Even more so than usual.
If only past me had listened to that small voice in this moment and done just as my father had asked, I would have saved us all a lot of headache and heartache.
If only.
“These are the nicest pajamas I have ever worn in my life. I’m usually an old church youth camp T-shirt and shorts girl when it comes to sleeping. My best friend, Ella, always tells me that if you wear nicer pajamas to bed, you have better dreams.”
“You’ve mentioned Ella a few times. Have you two been friends long?” Hee-Jin asks.
“Yeah, she’s been my closest friend since junior high. She’s great. She’s coming back to New York to visit right after the hackathon. If you have any time, maybe we can all have lunch. She would love to meet you.”
Hee-Jin nods politely but doesn’t seem enthusiastic about it. I get the sense that meeting new people isn’t at the top of her list of favorite things to do. I’ve never clocked her as a snob, so I wonder if she’s secretly quite shy. Kinda like her brother.
Hee-Jin reaches out and touches the fabric of my pajama sleeve. “Oh, yes, these ones are nice,” she says, bringing the conversation back to something she seems more comfortable with. Material things. “So soft. I never got used to silk pajamas until recently. It felt too extravagant. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had the nicest, highest thread-count cotton pajamas, but silk has been a revelation. Don’t you just feel wrapped in luxury when you sleep in them?” She lets out a small laugh. “Oh god, I can’t believe I just said that. I must sound like the most annoying rich person, huh? Gross.”
I give Hee-Jin a reassuring smile. In this moment, she’s so different from the powerful, assured executive. She seems younger, more relaxed.
“One thing I’m learning from getting to know both you and Elijah is that our lives might be different, but we have a lot of the same struggles. Impressing our demanding parents, trying to stand out, and being taken seriously. Fighting to do what we want versus what someone else wants for us,” I admit.
Hee-Jin examines me carefully, her eyes soft but assessing. “You’ve really gotten to know him,” she says.
“I’m sorry?” I’m not quite sure what she means.
“Elijah. No one ever seems to get to know the real him. People just write him off as spoiled, lazy, incapable. My dad screams at him to stop playing video games all day and step up for the family business. My mom begs him to try harder. No one asks him what he wants. No one tries to see what he’s capable of.”
“But he’s capable of so much. He’s super smart. Those games he plays? He actually knows how the back-end code works for them. And I don’t think there’s a problem that he couldn’t come up with a solution for. And he’s a natural leader. People just trust him and follow him. And he’s so generous, and I’m not talking about money. He’s generous with his time and his efforts. He sees someone who needs help and if that person will let him, he’ll step in and do whatever he can. Not to be some savior in a situation or to take all the credit. But to truly get someone over the hump of their struggle. I’m not saying he isn’t a pain sometimes. And he pretends to hate to work hard but you can tell that he’s enjoying it, that he finds some satisfaction in getting stuff done. And...”
It suddenly dawns on me how very quiet it is in the room. Hee-Jin and I planned to watch cult documentaries tonight in the family room. We’re both in our pajamas, hair tied back, Shin Ramyun heated, popcorn in hand. But the television remains off. And here we are, talking about Elijah. And I’ve gone too far.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to act like I know him better than you. I mean, I’ve only just...”
“Don’t apologize for being observant, for having a natural knack for reading people. Don’t ask for forgiveness based on someone else’s reaction to your knowledge,” she says. “Be very stingy with your apologies. We women too often say ‘I’m sorry’ for things that are entirely not our fault. It’s our go-to.”
I nod and take mental note, amazed at how Hee-Jin has turned on the company executive persona so quickly. I want to ask her about the executive meeting today, about how she handles being dismissed or underestimated at work. I get the sense that she’s been forced to pick and choose her battles.
“And don’t ever apologize to me for knowing my brother. I’m so grateful that he has someone who has taken the time and the chance to get to know him. Someone who he trusts enough to show these sides of himself to. Someone who accepts him as he is. He doesn’t get that a lot.”
I suddenly feel guilty for talking about Elijah while he’s not here. But my heart warms that Hee-Jin seems to think I’m someone important to him. It’s sad that these people are few and far between. Again, I’m struck at how lonely Elijah’s life must be.
Hee-Jin reaches over and squeezes my hand before sitting back into the couch and lifting the remote to turn on the TV. There’s a small smile on her face and I’m mesmerized by how much she and Elijah look alike. And how he isn’t the only one in the family carrying around a lifetime’s worth of pressure on their shoulders.
Maybe time in New York away from Seoul can be good for both of them.
