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Shit. I don’t think my heart can take asking Jessica out for Jason. “Uh, I think it’s better coming straight from you. Girls like when a guy is direct.” I hate this, giving advice to my friend about the girlIlike.
“I don’t know. She seems really protective of Ella, which is cool. I just don’t want Jessica to hate me for asking her best friend out on a date. I know I don’t need Jessica’s permission, but she’s my friend and I respect her, so I want to make sure she’d be cool with it, you know?” Jason explains.
Ella. Ella?
“Wait, you want to ask Ella out?” I ask.
“Uh, yeah. What did you think I was talking about? Oh, shit. You didn’t think I’d be that much of a dick to askyouif I could ask out Jessica, did you? Youdoknow we’re friends, right? That sucks, man.”
“Sorry. This whole ‘having friends’ thing is new to me,” I admit. “This misunderstanding is more about me than it is about you. And for what it’s worth, I think Jessica respects and likes you a lot too. She seemed pretty interested in you and Ella getting to know each other when we were all on the boat.”
Jason nods, his easy smile reappearing across his face. Without realizing it, I try to mimic his grin, buteasydoesn’t come naturally to me. I know it doesn’t have to be a struggle to just...show feelings. Maybe if I wasn’t so emotionally constipated, I could let Jason know I’m glad we’re friends. I could tell my dad I don’t want to take over the business. I could admit to Jessica that I have feelings for her and it scares the shit out of me.
“Dude, you have a cramp? You look like you’re in pain,” Jason notes, his smile replaced with a worried frown.
So much for exercising my facial muscles.
“Nah, I’m good.” I hide my lie by turning to look out over the water.
Jason stands next to me and joins me taking in the view. “So, no-go with you and Jessica? That’s surprising to me. Why, is she not your type?” he asks.
The morning sun glistens on the Hudson River, just a small strip of water separating New York and New Jersey. But the way people talk about it, the divide between the two states couldn’t be wider, the lives of those living in each couldn’t be more different. It’s how things are between me and Jessica.
I take a second to think how much I’m willing to share.
“Truthfully, she’s exactly my type. She’s smart and funny. She’s kinda shy but feisty too. You know? Like you, I respect her a ton, and I like how she can hold her own with anyone. And she doesn’t let me get away with any of my shit,” I say. “But at the end of the day, she deserves someone better than me.”
What I don’t say is that she deserves someone who doesn’t have a family that comes with harsh realities and unyielding expectations. And a major dick of a patriarch. My family represents everything that Jessica hates about Haneul Corp. WeareHaneul Corp.
“That’s bullshit. You’re a great guy. Don’t sell yourself short,” Jason says, nudging my shoulder. If he only knew how much I’m actually worth.
“Maybe not someonebetterthan me, but someone who’s a better fit than I am. Our lives are just really different,” I say.
“I’d have to disagree. Jessica doesn’t need someone just like her. She and I, and a lot of the other interns, we all have similar backgrounds. We’ve been hustling our whole lives to get a leg up on life. We’ve needed to get the best grades and the best internships just for achanceat something better. Now, like I mentioned, I don’t know a lot about your life back home. But you’ve mentioned you’ve never worked before. And the way you’re kind of a fish out of water at the apartment and the office and anytime we go out, I’m guessing all of this is new for you. I kinda feel like Jessica could benefit from someone who isn’t trying to prove anything to anyone. Who can just be there to stand by her side and encourage her.” He lets what he said hang in the air for a few moments before adding, “Just my two cents.”
Shit, I’d pay a lot more than two cents for the truth Jason just spit out. I want to tell him everything. I want to reciprocate this friendship. But I can’t reveal who I am, who my father is. I can’t risk this secret getting out and putting Jessica in harm’s way. I wish honesty was something I could afford to give Jason. I’m just not sure I can offer that to anyone right now. I don’t even know if I can give that completely to Jessica.
And she deserves that much, at least.
“Thanks, man. I appreciate that perspective. I just don’t know that I’m at the right place to be dating anyone now. And I’d rather not risk fucking it up with someone like Jessica.” God, this conversation became bleak. I make another attempt at an easy smile and knock Jason’s shoulder with mine. “But good to know you think I’m a catch. You sure you don’t have a crush on me? All those nights sleeping in the top bunk knowing I’m right beneath you?”
Jason barks out a laugh. “You know...now that you mention it...”
I give him a light shove and grin—in earnest this time. “I may not be too good for Jessica, but I am definitely too good for you.”
I push myself off from the railing and start walking home, knowing my friend’s long legs will catch up to me in a couple seconds.
Home. Friend.
I came to New York hoping to get lost for a summer before having to fulfill all the obligations of who and what I’m expected to be. Instead, I’m finding things I never knew I ever needed or wanted.
Home. Friends.
Me.
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jessica
