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I’d never been happier for dinner to be over as I was today. I flew out of the dining room, but before I could go to my bedroom, my father was calling my name. Him even being home for Sunday dinner was a miracle. I turned to face him, unable to hold in my smile from how much we looked alike. I got my cinnamon brown skin, bow-shaped lips, and slanted eyes from him… and that made me grateful he looked so much like his mother.
My mom’s parents died before I was born, so all I had was my paternal grandparents. Grandpa died when I was five, and I missed him, but we didn’t have enough time together on this earth for me to carry him in my heart and memories the way I did my grandmother. That lady was my whole world. I missed her every day of my life.
“Hey,” I spoke, wondering what he wanted with me.
Between my dad’s cheating and hectic schedule, we’d never had the close bond I wish we had. I was grateful to have a father who was in the home and was a provider, but he wasn’t the best example of what a husband should be. To his credit, when he was present, he was a damn good father… so I gave him credit for that. My mother had never been the bitter type who tried to use me as a bargaining tool or leverage. No matter how he treated her, she never allowed me to hold that against him. She would always say, when I became an adult, I’d be able to form my own opinion of him as a man, husband, and father—and she was right.
“Are you leaving any time soon?”
My plan had been to stay until morning and just leave early enough to make it on time for work, but after dinner, I wanted to leave now.
“In about an hour, what’s up?”
“Can we talk?”
Curiosity had me following behind my father to his study. It was reminiscent of Cliff’s onThe Cosby Show. My dad would never admit it, but I think that show had a lot to do with him becoming a doctor seeing as he changed his major after watching the first season it had come out. My mom, ironically, had her law degree but had never put it to use.
He closed the door and pulled a seat back for me, before going to the opposite side of his desk. In true dad fashion, he took his time getting to the discussion, breathing deeply, and adjusting himself in his seat.
“Are you considering getting back with Nova?”
“I may have thought about it once or twice but it’s not going to happen. Why?”
“Are you sure it’s not going to happen?”
Hmm…
“What’s this about, Dad?”
“When Nova asked me for your hand in marriage, I didn’t want to give it to him. I always thought you’d be with Jeremiah if you were to date either of them. They both have some qualities about themselves that remind me of me, but the truth is, I don’t want you with a man like me. I don’t want you with a man who cheats.”
For a while, it took me some time to fully process his words. From him thinking I’d be with Jerry to him not wanting me with a man like him. That was a lot to digest at once.
“If you didn’t want me to marry Nova, why did you approve?”
“I didn’t think if I tried to give you relationship advice that you would listen.”
“Because of Mom?” He nodded. “So why do you do it? If you know you wouldn’t want your daughters to deal with that, why do you put our mother through it?”
“I’m not putting her through anything. She’s willingly staying.”
“Yes, because she loves you and thinks you’re worth it! Why don’t you love her enough to stop!”
Squeezing the bridge of his nose, he shook his head. “This is exactly why I’ve never tried to talk to you about this, Chap.”
Chin trembling, I sat back in my seat and pulled in deep breaths as my leg shook. Could I admit my luck with men would have been better if I had a better example? Yes, but I could also admit I had to make the choice of what I was willing to accept and tolerate. Regardless of my father’s influence, I was aware of what I wanted and needed to feel healthy, heard, and happy in a relationship. There was a part of me, though, that wished I’d had the kind of father to talk to me about love and men and I be grateful to God for his wisdom.
I’d never been a disrespectful child who yelled at my parents, but I also never felt comfortable having this conversation with my father until now. It wasn’t anger, more so passion. Passion and regard for my mother. For her honor. But did I have the right? If she tolerated this, who was I to demand more for her?
“Regardless of how you feel about your mother and I’s choices in our marriage, these are some things I want you to ask yourself before you start yours—no matter who it’s with.”
He pulled a small white pad from the top drawer of his desk and scribbled for a few minutes before handing it to me.
“Can you understand that?” he asked with a smile in his voice as I squinted to understand his chicken scratch. “If so, I don’t want you to actually read and ponder until you’re about to get into your next relationship. These answers should come to you quickly, and I don’t want you forcing it with anyone you have in mind right now.”
With a nod, I folded the list and put it in the back pocket of my jeans.
“I will. Thanks, Dad.”
