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—
Normally, the wordlastwould make Ryan sad. But already he’s feeling a strange trust in the future.
This time when they dance, they notice everyone around them. They recognize that they are a bunch of queer kids dancing in the middle of nowhere, finding somewhere. It ties them a little bit more to everywhere.
—
In two minutes,they will exchange phone numbers. In eight minutes, Avery will be back in Lana’s van, everyone asking him for every detail about the blue-haired boy. In five minutes, Ryan will finally look at his phone and see that Alicia has been aware of him the whole time. In twelve minutes, she’ll meet him out by his truck, will ask him how he is. At first, he’ll just shake his head, not having any idea where to begin, but grateful that she, too, saw it, that there’s no way it was only a dream. In fifteen minutes, Ryan will send Avery his first text, saying what a great time he had. In sixteen minutes, Avery will text back, seconding the emotion.
But now…
Inside the song that carries them, they find the wordfree. They dance to that word more than any other. At one point, they dance as if it’s a slow song, even though it’s a fast song. Then they return to the beat. They jump together, swirl together, hold together. Everything feels lighter than air.
It doesn’t feel like a last dance at all.
Derivation
(the tenth date)
On his way home from the cast party, Ryan realizes there is no way he can go home. He has to see if it’s possible to be happy without paying for it in sadness afterward. He can’t step from time spent with Avery to time spent with his parents. He cannot put himself in a position of being so unrelentingly misunderstood. He’s explained himself enough. They don’t want to hear it. Which is why there’s no going back.
He drives to Caitlin’s. His texts to her have gone unread, so he rings the doorbell and wakes her up. She takes one look at him and knows exactly what the situation is. He’s aware she’s been trying to avoid the position he’s putting her in. The door opens anyway. She hugs him before he can even put his bags down. They don’t talk it over; she doesn’t try to persuade him otherwise. She just gets the sheets from the closet and leaves them on the couch. She says she loves him, and that she’ll see him in the morning.
He thanks her. He doesn’t say for what, but they both know.
—
At two inthe morning, Ryan texts Avery:
Are you free next Saturday to help me move my stuff to Caitlin’s?
Avery’s response is instant.
Of course.
—
Avery is supposedto spend Saturday with his own parents. After all the rehearsals and his time away with Ryan, they’ve been looking forward to some family time. Avery knows this. But he also knows he has to be in Kindling. Ryan is doing something momentous and wants Avery there. That matters more.
Avery assumes his parents will be sympathetic. Still, he waits until Friday at dinner to tell them what’s going on.
He explains as much as he can without feeling like he’s invading Ryan’s privacy. He tells them he’s been texting and talking with Ryan all week, preparing. Ryan’s been trying to go through all the usual motions of school without thinking too much about the reckoning that’s about to occur, but even Avery can hear its drumbeat.
“I said I’d be there,” Avery lets his parents know. “I promised I’d be there.”
In response, Avery’s mom and dad share a long look,and he understands that he has inadvertently continued a conversation they’ve been having without him. His dad puts down his fork; his mom looks at him gently, but also with concern.
“Honey,” she says, “we’ve made plans for tomorrow, remember? For the three of us? We’re going to take a drive to have lunch at that French place in Wickham that Ramona liked so much, and stop at Donna’s studio to look at her new sculptures. She’s looking forward to seeing us.”
They could leave it there. It’s enough of an argument.
Instead Avery’s dad takes the conversational baton and adds, “It’s not just that, Avery. Your mother and I both like Ryan a lot, and we’re very happy the two of you have found each other. But because we’re your parents, we also want to be sure that your relationship doesn’t take over your life. We know how all-consuming love can be at your age, especially with the right person. But you can’t letanythingbe all-consuming right now. You have to keep parts of yourself open, give yourself a little space to grow.”
“You can see him next weekend,” Avery’s mom says. “You can invite him here. We’d love to spend more time with him. But this weekend, you need to take a break. You’ve already made plans with us—and even if you hadn’t, we’d still be suggesting you take a break. It will make things better in the long run, I promise. And a long run with Ryan is what you’re after, isn’t it? That’s certainly how it’s seemed.”
Avery knows how lucky he’s been that his parents have always been on his side. Even though there were times hehad to be patient with them, even though there were times they said the wrong things or even did the wrong things because they thought they were the right things, they never made him doubt himself at an existential level, never made him regret being who he was. But now, it feels, they’re telling him he’s going too fast.
“I know we have plans,” he concedes. “And I’m really sorry about backing out of them. I wish I could be in two places at once. But we can go to the French place or go see Donna’s studio any day—we could even do it Sunday! But tomorrow I really have to be with Ryan. He needs me.”
