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Avery’s mom’s gentle tone doesn’t change when she says, “I know it’s hard to understand, but you haven’t known each other long enough to need each other. Or at least you shouldn’t need each other, not yet. I’m not saying it won’t happen—I actually think itwillhappen for the two of you. But in time. Over time. As you get to know each other, as you get to know each other’s lives, you will grow to need him, and he will grow to need you, until you get to the point that the need will be so much a part of your life that you will think of it as inseparable from who you are. Your father and I know what that’s like. But that need—it can take so much from you, Avery. It gives and gives, but it also takes. Which is why we’re asking you to approach it slowly.”
Avery understands what she’s saying, in the abstract. But what Ryan’s going through isn’t abstract. It’s real.
“Mom, Ryan’s not asking me to go to a party with him.He’s getting his things tomove out of his house. Whether you like it or not, I’m his boyfriend, and I should be there.”
“We like it, Avery,” his dad says. “Listen to us, okay?”
“We sympathize with what Ryan’s going through,” Avery’s mom continues. “Obviously. But what we’re saying is that with something so big, he needs to be able to do it whether you’re there or not. He’s taking control of his own life, and that’s a good thing. But he can’t take control of his life fully if he’s relying on you to help him do it. I know it’s hard for you to see that—you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t want to be there, and that heart of yours is in exactly the right place. But you need someone outside that heart to give you some caution, some perspective. And that job falls to us.”
It would be simple for Avery to scream. To let all the emotions amplify into a storm—incomprehension that his parents could be so wrong, anguish that he might actually let Ryan down at such a moment, frustration at waiting for so long to love someone only to be told to slow down. In a flash, Avery realizes that if he were Ryan, and these were Ryan’s parents, that is exactly what he’d do: unleash the indignation and let it bite whatever it wants to bite.
But these are his parents, looking at him with a concern that is, at the very least, sincere. So he doesn’t pound the table. He doesn’t push back his chair. He doesn’t even raise his voice when he says, “I need to be there. If you don’t understand why, that’s fine. I apologize again for screwing up our plans. I hope we’ll still get to do them another day.As for tomorrow—I don’t think you’re going to try to stop me, are you?”
Avery’s mom and dad don’t need to look at each other to consult.
“No,” Avery’s dad says. “We’re not going to stop you.”
“We’re just going to hope you listen to us anyway. We want you to be careful.”
“I’ll be careful,” Avery promises, even though he’s not exactly sure what he’s supposed to be careful about.
His parents are disappointed in him; he can tell. And he’s disappointed in them, as they surely know.
The subject is dropped, but it remains the only subject in the room.
Avery won’t tell Ryan any of this happened.
He doesn’t want there to be any doubt.
He goes back to his room, and when he sits down on his bed, the first things he sees are the snapdragons Ryan gave him, a little ragged but still special. When they’re gone, he’ll replace them with a photo he took of them right after he got home from the cast party. Beside the photo will be the card that’s now beside the flowers:Here’s to many more. Love, Ryan. Avery hasn’t asked whether Ryan meant many more shows or many more flowers. He’ll never ask.
He’ll always take it to mean both.
—
For years, Ryanfelt his life was a mostly unspoken negotiation with his parents.
This week, it’s become a more formal negotiation.
When Aunt Caitlin took him in, she stopped being a good go-between; there’s no question now in his parents’ minds which side she’s on. She’s tried hard to remain diplomatic—no, she’s not saying they’re bad parents or that their home is a bad place for Ryan, she’s just saying that right now her house is a better place for him, etc.
Ryan’s survival strategy has been detachment.
He’s told Alicia that he’s staying at Caitlin’s, but hasn’t said anything about moving out, because he doesn’t want to have to deal with all the inevitable follow-up questions. School has always felt separate from life at home, so he leans into that now; it’s not that he’s suddenly happy to be in class, but it gives him enough reason to pause all his other thoughts, to believe like everyone else that the future is something that’s happening next year after graduation, not tomorrow.
It’s only in those moments when he’s left with himself—driving in the truck, waiting for sleep, stocking shelves at work—that he does things like wonder about the difference between giving up and letting go. He feels his parents gave up on him a while ago, but they’re not letting go. He’s now given up on his parents, and trying to let go. But once he lets go, what does he hold on to? Caitlin? Avery? It’s not the same. He knows it’s not the same.
Caitlin tries to get him to talk. Says it isn’t healthy to fall so silent. But right now, the silence is his protection. Like armor, he knows he can’t wear it forever. He just wants to get through Saturday. Then he’ll take it off.
Saturday. Caitlin says he needs to talk to his parents, but has agreed it doesn’t have to be Saturday. She’ll meet them for lunch somewhere, keep them out of the house. She’s not going to lie—she’s told them he’s going to stop by to pick up a few things.Like underwear,he heard her tell them on the phone. And he thought,Wow, this is what it’s come to: My aunt and my parents are talking about my underwear.
It would be funny, only it’s not really funny.
That’s the truth he keeps most hidden in the silence: the fact that while he knows he’s making the right decision, it doesn’t feel right at all. He can’t stop doubting, even though he feels he doesn’t have a choice.
—
Avery gets upbefore his parents. Or at least he thinks he does—for all he knows, they’re awake behind their bedroom door, still hoping he’ll change his mind and spend the day with them. They’re not going to stop him, but they’re not going to make him breakfast, either.
