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He keeps quiet, and they don’t stir. He makes himself some cereal, grabs his car keys, and goes.
It’s only when he’s driving that he realizes how little thought he put into getting dressed, how unnervous he is about seeing Ryan again. He didn’t have to cross that boundary of self-consciousness; the boundary was no longer there.
Would it be different if this were a normal date, if he were driving to a movie or a restaurant? Maybe. Probably. But the fact is, this isn’t a normal date, and that is itself amarker of how far they’ve gone in so short a time. Even if his parents don’t see it that way, or maybe even see it as a negative, Avery is sure that it is true, and it is good.
He knows that love can be all-consuming. He’s seen friends erase themselves like that. But love doesn’t have to be defined by what or how much it consumes. It can be providing as well. Not all-providing. But…providing.
That’s what he wants from Ryan. That’s what he thinks Ryan wants from him. A providing, supportive kind of love.
What Ryan’s going through isn’t something Avery knows anything about, really. But Avery is young enough not to recognize this, not to be too intimidated by this. He still thinks that building a relationship with someone is about finding the things you have in common, not about steadily navigating the things you don’t.
Ryan texts to make sure Avery is on his way. At a stoplight, Avery sees this and texts back his estimated time of arrival. That’s what the map app on his phone is good for now: predicting the timing. In terms of directions, Avery’s got it down. This route has become personalized, familiar. Whatever happens, these roads will always remind him of Ryan, even though so many of the chain stores and chain restaurants he’s seeing can be found on other roads in other towns. Even when things turn sparse as he approaches Caitlin’s house, he smiles from a deep satisfaction when he knows exactly which way to turn. A left. A curve. A sudden right. Down a stretch of trees, water hiding behind but letting itself be found. Left onto her street. Another left into the driveway.
And there he is: Ryan waiting on the front steps. Now he stands, welcoming.
—
Ryan quickly explainsthat Caitlin just left, and will keep his parents busy so he and Avery can do what they need to do.
“She says hi,” he adds at the end. “She’s excited to see you.”
“I’m excited to see her,” Avery says. “But I’m gonna be honest—I’m more excited to see you.”
This is when Ryan realizes that he needs to step out of his headspace long enough to kiss his boyfriend, to enjoy his company for a few minutes before they get to the business of extracting him from his home. The kissing is so successful that his headspace transfers entirely to kissing headspace, and it’s Avery who has to separate them and say, “Don’t we have to go?”
Yes, Ryan reminds himself. They have to go.
He hoists the duffel he has waiting by the door, and they walk to his truck.
It’s not a long ride. Ryan has a lot to say, but he’s not sure he wants to say any of it. He wants to apologize for dragging Avery into his mess. He wants to thank Avery for being here…but he also doesn’t want to thank him too much, like it’s a big deal. The thing is, it’s good for Avery to be here, but it still doesn’t feel natural for Avery to be here. When they’re alone together, they are the leads of their own show. But put Avery here, in the middle of all this parent drama?It still feels like he’s a guest star. It still feels like Avery can’t possibly know Ryan well enough to be comfortable here. So Ryan’s uncomfortable, thinking about that.
He does some math in his head.
—
Avery’s not reallypaying attention, just letting his thoughts drift off in the passenger seat, when out of the blue, Ryan says, “Sorry. I’m guessing this is not what you thought we’d be doing on our tenth date.”
“Oh, wow,” Avery says. “Double digits.”
“I mean, when I’ve been to your house, it’s been really nice. My house isn’t going to be as nice.”
“It doesn’t have to be. And it’s not your house anymore. Not if you don’t want it to be.”
“Depends on who you ask.”
“I’m not asking your parents. I’m asking you.”
Ryan takes his eyes off the road, looks at Avery.
“Honestly?” he says.
“Yes,” Avery replies. “Honestly.”
“I have no idea. I am so angry and sad right now that I don’t trust myself to give an answer that’ll last.”
“Then that’s the best answer for now.”
“Okay. But none of that makes this a fun date.”
