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He stopped taking it with him because of all the times Saundra was trying to contact him. She was such an engrained part of his soul, that every time she called, every time the phone lit up with a text from her, it gave his heart a painful thrill. It was getting harder and harder to refuse her. He missed her so desperately it was physically painful. He walked over to the phone and looked down to see a picture of Saundra’s smiling face look up at him. There was that racing of the heart.
He turned away from it and went to put the cans of beans and premade spaghetti against the wall with the other food and cracked open a can of soda. He was trying to cut back on the drinking, despite the fact that all he wanted to do was drink himself into a stupor and never wake up. Instead of just a missed call, the phone lit up again to denote a message.
When he went over to check it again, he saw she left a voicemail. That was new. After a moment’s debate, he decided to listen to it. He’d be able to hear her voice without actually having to talk to her. That was okay, wasn’t it? It wouldn’t hurt anything. He just needed to hear her, to hear that she was okay. Even if she was angry, at least she’d be alive and unhurt.
When her voicemail started, the strength went out of his legs and he plopped onto the edge of the bed. Had her voice always been so sweet? She explained that the package arrived for him. He cringed, expecting her to chew him out but instead she said she wasn’t angry, and she wished he felt he could talk to her about this. Now that she knew, though, she didn’t see why he had to stay gone. If only it was that simple. He hung up without deleting the voicemail, just so he could hear her voice again whenever he wanted.
The phone lit up and rang in his hands. He was so emotional that the sudden action startled him and he nearly dropped the phone. It was Saundra again. He shouldn’t answer it, he knew that, but his thumb hovered over the green button anyway. He couldn’t let her believe that the kid was the only reason he left. She’d be so confused if he didn’t come back now. He couldn’t leave her like that. He sighed and closed his eyes. Lying to himself didn’t help anyone. All he wanted was to hear her voice and to talk to her again. He needed to be grounded. Without her, he waivered in the wind like silk strands.
Answering the call, he held it to his ear, but couldn’t bring himself to speak.
“Hi,” she said tentatively.
“Hi.”
“You’re there,” she said, and he could hear the relief in her voice. “Did you listen to my message?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, then you can come home.”
“No,” he said, knowing he shouldn’t have answered this.
“Why?” The pain in her voice was like a razor against his chest.
“Saundra, please, it’s not as simple as that.”
“Can we talk about it? Meet me somewhere if you won’t come home. Just talk to me.”
The word “no” formed in his mind, but he was having difficulty forcing it down to his mouth. He needed to tell her no, he needed to hang up the phone right that instant. “Please.” The tiny, pathetic plea was too much. His will crumbled.
“All right.”
Despite his better judgement, he agreed to meet her later that night in a small restaurant just outside of town. He hoped the location would be far enough away that Boss wouldn’t find out. The last thing Miles wanted to do was put Saundra in danger because of his own selfish need to see her. As he thought about being near her again, the joy in his heart was nearly too much to bear.
It was so ridiculous to be so excited about seeing someone, right? He smiled at his phone after hanging up with her, running his thumb over her picture.
He’d never love anyone again like he loved her. It was a bittersweet truth, but one he had to accept.
Saundra idly tore her straw wrapper into tiny pieces as she waited for Miles to show up. When he did, she almost squealed at the sight of him.
He came in, and though he spotted her right away, he kept looking around as though he was looking for her. Even as he walked toward her table, he was looking out the windows and around them. He searched so fervently that it got her looking around, too, as though she could see whatever it was he was looking for.
She stood up to give him a hug, but he purposely pulled out a chair and sat down without touching her. She didn’t bring attention to it. Things right now were so ridiculously delicate that she didn’t want to do anything to start an argument. That wasn’t why she was there. Something was wrong, and she was determined to find out what it was.
“How are you?” she asked him.
He gave a snort and a nervous half smile before picking up the menu and glancing at it. The waitress came by asking for their order before Saundra could say more.
“Yeah, can I get a coffee and a slice of this pie here?” Miles said, pointing at the bottom of the menu.
“Yep,” the waitress said, smiling to Saundra. “And for you?”
“Uhh, coffee, I guess.”
“You don’t want anything to eat?” Miles asked her.
“I’m not hungry, Miles.”
