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“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” she said, then looked down at the coffee cup in my hand. “Where did you go?”
“Grabbed some coffee,” I said. “Had to handle some business and needed some caffeine.”
“Ah,” she said. There was a mild suspicion there, but she didn’t press. It looked like she wanted to know more, but she seemingly swallowed it and returned her focus to Leo.
It was kind of awkward, and I was glad when there was a knock on the door. A nurse poked her head in and announced it was time to take Leo back, and that also I had some visitors in the hall. As she took Leo, I kissed Allison on the head and went out to the waiting room hallway.
“There you are,” Caden exclaimed as I made my way toward them.
“What’s going on, buddy?” Graham said.
I got a hug from each of them before leaning against the wall and peering through the glass.
“Not much,” I said. “They should be bringing Leo back here in just a minute.”
“Right on,” Caden said. “I bought him a little something.”
He held out a tiny bag, and I took it from him, cocking an eyebrow before looking inside.
“It’s a hat?” I asked.
“Not just any hat,” Caden said. “It’s his very first Stetson.”
I laughed as I pulled the tiny cowboy hat out of the bag. It looked amazing, just a tiny sized version of the real deal. I hugged him again and put the hat back in the bag.
“This is awesome,” I said. “Thank you, bro.”
“Don’t mention it,” he said. “Kid’s got to be able to come with you to the ranch and hang out with the horses. I don’t want him schlepping around with one of Graham’s ballcaps like you do.”
“Hey now,” Graham interjected.
“So how are things going?” he asked, ignoring Graham.
“Going,” I said. “Allison is making it seem easy, but I know she is frustrated and wants to go home. All we want is our baby.”
“I can understand that,” Caden said. “Oh, hey, look. Here he comes.”
He pointed into the room behind the glass, where the nurse was coming in with him now. Leo was placed in a crib by the window we were at, and we stared at the little guy for a bit while Caden and Graham continued talking. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention, focusing instead on Leo and how much I just wanted to take him home.
“Anyway,” Graham said. “So Allison is okay and Leo is okay, but how about you? Are you okay?”
“I think so,” I said. “Physically I’m just tired.”
“I was about to say,” Caden said, “you look like shit.”
“Thank you for that,” I said.
“What about Carmella?” Graham asked.
“She just left a little bit ago,” I said. “She is doing her best. No promises, but she’s working on it.”
Caden nodded.
“I’m sure she will figure it out,” he said. “You just leave your worries to her.”
“I am,” I said. “I just hope it all works out.”
20
ALLISON
The day we were able to bring baby Leo home was a whirlwind of stress, emotion, and joy. I knew that it was going to be a change of lifestyle, but actually experiencing it was something else entirely. No amount of YouTube videos could prepare me for four in the morning feedings and the exhaustion that came with being awake pretty much all the time.
Leo had his own challenges that were unique to him, even though he was allowed to go home. There were things we needed to look out for and medicine that still needed to be given to him through formula, which I didn’t love. I wanted to breastfeed him exclusively, but there was no way to get it to him without a bottle. He was strong and healthy, but they wanted to make sure he was over the top, and thankfully, the treatment would only last the first week or so.
The first few nights were a bit challenging, mostly in the schedule, but I wouldn’t trade a second of it for anything. Ryan was incredible. Supportive and encouraging, he made sure to baby me as much as we both babied Leo. He brought me food in bed when I was too tired to get out of it, and would sit up with Leo, rocking him and whispering to him when he woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted someone to hold him.
Every second that he could, Ryan was whirling around, taking care of things and embracing the challenges of being a new father. It was beautiful and heartening to see, and it eased some of the anxiety I had about being a new mother. Especially in our current situation.
But that anxiety wasn’t gone long. After the first week, I noticed him on his phone a lot. When I asked him if everything was okay, he assured me it was nothing. Just something he was working on. I tried not to pry, but as the second week home rolled on, he was more and more distant. Long stretches of time would pass where he was out of touch or would take a call and be whispering or talking in a low tone of voice that was suspicious.
