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But some people should not be parents.
And I’m not going to be one of those.
On the way to the cafeteria to get that ice cream, I stop at the nursery. There are three little pinkish-red nuggets in tiny bassinets—a boy and two girls, judging from the color of their knit caps.
Growing up, I never thought I’d want kids someday and I used to say that all the time, but it was only because I was raised to see kids as a burden. I was also worried I wouldn’t know how to be a dad to them. I figured my lack of real parents would put me at a disadvantage.
I can’t imagine how it’ll feel to be a father. When I see cases like little Rufus, I imagine it’s harder than it looks—and it looks pretty damn hard, to me. I guess it’ll be a lot of on-the-job learning, with trial and error.
But I’m sure as hell not going to ever lay a hand on my kid.
Or treat it like it doesn’t exist.
And it may be a lot of work, but it’ll never be a burden.
As I’m staring at the tightly-wrapped bundles, a red-headed nurse with a pretty smile waves to me through the window. I wave back. Lily isn’t nearly as direct about her intentions as Cherry, but she did ask me out to dinner a few nights ago, an invitation I’d had to refuse.
I’m about to go into the cafeteria when I notice a little teddy bear in the window of the gift shop. I can’t resist, so I go in and make the purchase. Assuming everything goes as planned, I’ll give it to my kid when he or she is born.
But that’s a long time from now.
As I buy the chocolate ice cream and hurry back to the ER, I think of Stassi. There’s still something she doesn’t know, something I’ve never told her. Something I planned to tell her—eventually. But now that she’s carrying my baby, that complicates things. I don’t want to stress her out, or risk having her hate me forever, not when we’re finally getting to a place where she’s open to letting me be a part of her life, even if it’s only because of the circumstances.
I’ll tell her someday, when the time is right.
But not yet.
24
Stassi
“Oh my God, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”
That’s Tenley’s typical proclamation, every time our little group gets together for a meal in downtown Portland. As a textbook workaholic, it’s not unusual for her to forget to eat several meals in a row and then find herself completely famished. At least when she eats, she eats well. Last time we all sat here sipping our cocktails while she inhaled a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a Coke and then swiftly polished off a giant turtle sundae for dessert.
“Work must be crazy, huh?” Mad asks.
“Always,” Tenley says.
“Oh, I keep forgetting to stop by your place. You still have that dress you were selling? The Zimmermann one you posted on Insta?” Mad asks. “Can I just Venmo you now?”
“You should have reminded me. I’d have brought it today,” Tenley says. “Next time just email my assistant and she’ll put it on my calendar.”
“I keep forgetting you have an assistant,” I say. “So weird thinking of you as someone’s boss. I remember when you used to be this shy little wallflower who was afraid to raise your hand in class.”
“Look at her now,” Campbell says, lifting her glass. She’s back in town for some family reunion, but she managed to sneak away for a few hours with her best girls. “Kicking butt and taking names. Such a girl boss.”
Tenley shoots her a look. “You know I hate that phrase.”
“Which is exactly why I said it,” Cam teases. She’s always been the one in our group with the offbeat sense of humor. When conversations get heavy, Campbell brings the comedic relief. Ever since she got married, I swear she’s become even more of a smartass. I imagine she’s had to level it up a notch for Slade. The man is always so serious. “You know we’re proud of you though.”
We managed to snag the window booth at Topper’s and spend the next few minutes catching up on all the little things. Since it’s far too cold to eat on their rooftop outside, at least we have a view of busy Commercial Street. Right now, it’s mud season, meaning all the snow on the ground is in dirty, melting piles, and there are puddles everywhere. I keep staring out the window, wondering how long it’s going to be until I have to come clean about my news.
“Hey.” Campbell nudges me and leans in. “You okay? You seem a little out of it today.”
I glance up and find all the girls staring at me.
