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“Not my fault it took longer than I expected.”
And that I ended up getting fucked by my brother…
My mind is racing with a thousand different thoughts, going back and forth between how wonderful it was and how horrible it would be if our parents found out.
In the end, I chase away all the bad thoughts and replay every single memory of tonight over and over again. The chill of the fall air, whispering of a looming wicked winter, does nothing to cool the blazing fire running hot in my veins.
This may be wrong, but my life finally feels as though it’s starting to go right.
All I had to do was quit fighting and give in.
Iwoke up this morning sick to my stomach. Not just queasy, but full-on sick. I’d had to rush out of the cabin under the ruse I wanted to check on the chickens, but in reality, I’d ended up puking my guts out behind the equipment barn.
I am so screwed.
How can this be real?
I’m only seventeen. When I turn eighteen in a few months, I had these grand plans to leave the confines of my parents’ strict ways—to build a cabin of my own and live by my own rules.
Was that just a stupid dream?
Why did I stupidly have sex with my brother knowing good and damn well the women in this family are quite fertile?
After getting sick, and the wave passed, I didn’t go back to Ronan’s stifling cabin where my family has been holed up. I’d climbed on top of the roof of the big house, testing its sturdiness, and was relieved to find my old spot with the same view. I’ve been sitting up here, contemplating everything while freezing my ass off.
Still better than being in the cabin with Mom.
Voices below me can be heard as the guys work tirelessly on the house. I’ve heard Ronan and Ryder laugh hysterically several times.Their beef is gone and I’m alone, drowning in my own despair. While I’m happy that Ronan seems to finally have climbed out of his depression this week, I feel my own self tumbling into that lonely, dark spot.
Spirit, from near the firepit, watches me, guarding me like I might slip and fall any second. She doesn’t move but continues to stare at me. I’m thankful I didn’t let Dad kill her and Mage all those months ago. They may be wolves, but they’re the best dogs in the world. We don’t deserve to have such sweet animals.
A wave of emotion stirs inside me. Hot tears well and then roll down my cool cheeks. I angrily swipe them away. Lately, all I do is cry at everything. It’s dumb and I hate it.
Pregnancy hormones.
I gag just thinking about it. Bitterness remains on my tongue, reminding me that I never made it back to the cabin to brush my teeth. Eventually, I’ll have to go back, but until then, I’ll stay in my favorite place all by myself.
While I sit, shivering, I try to pinpoint when Ronan changed. He was sleeping all day, doing the bare minimum on the house, and then one day earlier this week it’s like he woke up a new man. He joined us each night for supper, worked hard on the big house, and actually smiled. Still, though, he won’t talk to me.
Or, rather, I haven’t allowed myself to get close enough to him to talk.
He hurt me. They both did. Abandoned me for months, forcing me to die a slow death in the torture cabin. Literally. Declan still sleeps on me at night and head butts my boobs often to the point they’re sore and hurt all the time.
I see Mom, with Dawson on her hip, round Ronan’s cabin. She shields her eyes as she scans the property, no doubt looking for me.
Sorry, Mom, they’re all yours today.
Remaining motionless, I pray she won’t look up on the roof or that Spirit won’t give me away. She walks toward the big house and disappears inside. Exhaling in relief, I relax and close my eyes. Wind nips at my exposed flesh. It helps chase away the nauseous feeling.
Now that the sickness has fully passed, I pull an apple out of my pocket and start munching on it. The sweet juices erase the bitterness from earlier. All too quickly, I devour it, wishing I’d thought to grab more.
Maybe I can live up here. All I need is a sleeping bag, some food, and maybe Hot Hands pouches Uncle Atticus brings us sometimes.
You can’t do that with a big, giant belly…
Just thinking about getting huge and pregnant like Mom always gets has me bursting into tears again. How did I let this happen? My parents have babies because they have sex. What did I think would happen when I did the same?
Stupid baby.
