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He felt her words like an arrow to the heart. How many times had he looked into the mirror and seen himself as the impostor he was? Hell, he barely knew himself, what was there to like if he couldn't even identifywhohe was?
"There, there, curiouscat. Aren't you going a little overboard? You should wait for someone else to sing you praises. It doesn't look good if you do it yourself,” he laughed in an effort to chase away the awkwardness.
"Maybeyoushould be more comfortable in your own skin," she said it so blatantly, it wasn't meant to be an insult. Yet to Raf, that was exactly what it was.
Because he wasn't comfortable in his skin. Far from it.
He looked how he wanted people to perceive him. Nothing more, nothing less. The real tragedy was that he wouldn't even let himself dream of what he'dwishhe looked like. He was too afraid to put that image in his head when he knew it might never come true.
Yet if he closed his eyes, he could see. He'd like to gain some pounds, maybe turn them into muscle. He'd like to straighten his posture, walk to his full height. And hell, the biggest wish was that he wanted to behaveeverywherelike he did now—without a care in the world.
"You're right," he accepted. "I'm not comfortable in my skin," he admitted his deepest secret. Why, he couldn't tell.
He was aware that his features were passable enough. He'd always been complimented on his eyes and complexion. But because of his lifestyle, he was too thin, his cheeks hollowed out, his bones sticking out and making him look entirely unappealing.
There were so many things standing in his way, he didn't see how he could one day reach his ideal—he just couldn't.
"I—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you if it's something you're sensitive about," she quickly said, her tone apologetic.
A sad smile pulled at his lips.
"It's ok. It's the truth. I'm not comfortable with who I am."
"Why don't you change it then? I'm sure if you put in the effort…"
"I can't," he sighed. "Remember those family expectations of yours? I'm in the same boat. I'm just trying to please everyone," he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she apologized again.
He could tell shewassorry for bringing it up. And soon, she switched the topic, approaching lighter subjects and doing her best to make him laugh, teasing him and bickering with him in a way that would bring them back to a comfortable footing.
He appreciated that.
She'd been the one looking for advice for her issue and she'd ended up tending tohistender sensibilities.
"Fuck, but what type of man am I?" he muttered, frustrated, as he put his headset down. Curiouscat had gone to bed early, and he'd logged off as well.
In spite of their previous history in the game, the conversation had flowed well, and he'd felt a sense of kinship the likes he hadn't felt in a long time—maybe forever.
For the rest of the night, he simply logged into his other game, working all his frustrations and grievances in the virtual environment as he challenged everyone he could find for battle.
It wasn't a solution to his problems, but it was a damn good way of blowing some steam.
And as usual, he ended up spending the night away, sleeping in the following day and barely making it to class on time.
He hunched his shoulders as he stepped inside the classroom, taking a seat somewhere in the back and laying his stuff on his desk. Getting his glasses from their case, he pushed them over his nose as his eyes skittered to the clock on the wall. Five minutes. He'd barely made it in time.
It was odd how it was in the days he never had anything particular to do that he would waste his time and squander his sleep for absolutely no reason.
Now, after hours of having his eyes stuck to a screen, he felt worn out. He hadn't even eaten for the day, merely getting out of bed and hurrying to class.
"Rafaelo, right?" Someone asked from his side. He turned his head slowly, recognizing the guy as Steve, one of his colleagues from freshman orientation.
He nodded.
"Haven't seen you in a while, dude," he chuckled, laying his own materials on the desk.
“I-I’ve been busy," he said slowly.
