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“Please,” I tell her, raising my voice a little, and the door creaks open a moment later, Lilliana holding a tray with a teapot and two china cups on it, and a plate of scones and jam and cream.
“This might be silly, but I always liked the idea of tea service when I was younger,” she says with a small smile. “It’s not the sort of thing I was ever allowed—too many carbs and fats, you know.” She lets out a chiming laugh, though I can imagine that once, it was nothing to laugh about for her. “I saw you had everything for it in your kitchen, and I thought it might be a nice thing to bring up to you.”
“Thank you,” I say softly, as she sets it down on the bed and moves over to the other side to come and sit next to me. “And Nikolai?”
“Downstairs, working in your father’s old office.” She reaches for the teapot, pouring a steaming cup for us both. “He was more than agreeable that he’d wait to see you until you were ready. Or not at all,” she adds, setting the pot down and reaching for the cream.
“You don’t have to take my side in all this,” I tell her gently. “I understand he’s your husband—”
“I’m takingmyside,” Lilliana says crisply, dropping a cube of sugar into each cup and handing me mine carefully. “The side, I think is right. And I think both my husband and yours were horrible idiots for the way they handled everything.” She gives me a tight smile, her fingers closing around the knife for cutting open the scones in a way that makes me think she’s angrier than she looks. “I was furious with Nikolai when he told me everything. And I’m furious with Theo for what he did.” Her voice falters a little, the knife trembling over the clotted cream. “Nikolai told me what he heard over the phone. Marika, I’m so sorry—”
“It’s not entirely his fault,” I whisper, wondering even as I say it why I’m defending him. I take a sip of the tea, feeling the warmth spread through me. “I lied to him about so much. He was—” I take another sip, feeling my own fingers tremble. “He was so gentle with me, on our wedding night. It wasn’t anything like I expected.”
Lilliana sets the knife aside, reaching for her own cup of tea, her expression patient. And I know I can tell her everything.
If anyone could possibly understand how I feel, the conflict in me, if anyone could possibly help me understand what to do, it’s her.
“I thought he would be cold and harsh. Everything—everything was wrong from the beginning,” I admit. “I knew from the moment he took me out on the date, to dinner and the theatre and then went out to the garden with me—” I motion towards the back of the house— “I knew he wasn’t what he was made out to be. Something was wrong—someone had gotten it wrong. But Nikolai was so sure. And it was too late—we’d signed the contract, and I couldn’t tell him that I wasn’t a virgin. I couldn’t risk that he’d destroy our family. Thatwashis fault,” I add, taking another sip of the tea. “If I hadn’t had that hanging over my head—”
“That’s the fault of this entire fucking world,” Lilliana murmurs. “All these wars over territory and business and family names. You would have told him the truth, if so much hadn’t been on the line.”
“The thing is,” I whisper, feeling my heart ache, “I think he knows that. I think he regrets it. He said—he said he wouldn’t have cared about my virginity. He doesn’t know if he would have felt that way at the time of the contract—but later—he wouldn’t have cared. It was the lies that made him angry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Lilliana says softly, and I swallow hard.
“Not all of it. Some of it is Nikolai’s, and some is Theo’s, some is Adrik’s—but some of itismy fault.” I take another sip of the tea, feeling the sweetness and warmth ease the hurt, just a little. “He gave me a family heirloom for my ring.”
I tilt my hand, looking at it. Adrik hadn’t removed it, and in the chaos of the aftermath of Adrik’s death and the arrival of the cavalry, so to speak, I hadn’t thought about it. I only just now realized that Theo didn’t ask for it back, and it’s still on my hand. “I should get it back to him,” I say softly. “It means a lot.”
Lilliana looks at the ring, shifting her teacup to one hand so she can reach for mine, turning it in the light. “It’s not the kind of ring I would have expected him to give you,” she says quietly. “But it is lovely.” She pauses. “Maybe he wanted you to keep it.”
“I don’t think I could feel right, doing that. It should stay in his family. It should—”
The words stick in my throat suddenly, thinking of what happens after the divorce that Theo promised me. He still needs a wife, an heir. I think of the ring on another woman’s finger, of it being passed down to a daughter or to a son to give to his bride—children that Theo will have with another woman, and my throat closes over with a sudden, choking hurt.
“What are you thinking?” Lilliana asks softly. “What made you look like that?”
“I just—” I don’t know what to say, how to explain it. “Nikolai was so wrong about him,” I whisper. “He was kind and gentle, and he was falling in love with me. Ibelieveall of that. I believe everything he said and did was genuine—and I believe that’s why he flew into such a rage when he found out that I lied to him…about Adrik and the birth control and everything else. He believed that what I showed him was as real as what he showed me. I broke his heart, Lilliana.”
She sits there for a moment, still looking at my ring, considering. “Do you really believe that?” she asks quietly, and I let myself think for a few beats, remembering all of it, trying to decide if somewhere in there, Theo deceived me, or I deceived myself.
“I do,” I whisper, and I can hear my voice cracking. “I wish we could start over, without all of the lies and plotting and manipulation. I wish there was a second chance. But there’s not.”
“Are you sure?” Lilliana sets her cup aside. “Do you love him, Marika?”
“I don’t know.” But even as I say it, I know that’s not true. Somewhere in all of it, just as Theo fell for me, I fell for him. And I miss him in a way that I would never have believed was possible.
“Your brother did something similar.” Lilliana is looking down at her hands now, her expression thoughtful. “I don’t want to tell you too much that you might not want to hear about him,” she says with a wry smile. “But—I angered him very much, at one point, while we were on our honeymoon. He punished me with a belt—and…well, I hated it, but I also didn’t hate it as much as it should.”
A small shiver runs through me. I know what she means—I remember that all too well with Theo…and other things, too, that I shouldn’t have enjoyed the way I did.
“I ran away because of it,” Lilliana says softly. “There was a storm when Nikolai found me in the snow and brought me back. He stayed with me while I was sick. And when I woke up—” She breathes in slowly. “I didn’t know if I could forgive him for what he did. But he knew he’d reacted out of anger. He did everything he could to make it up to me. It took time—but we healed that rift, together.”
“Are you trying to say what I think you are?” I set my cup aside, twisting the ring on my finger. “That I should go back to Theo?”
“I wouldn’t tell you what choice to make,” Lilliana says gently. “But what Iamsaying is that if you truly believe Theo loves you, and you love him, and you think he’s genuine in admitting that he was wrong in how he acted—if you truly think he regrets it…only you can say whatyouwill regret.” She presses her lips together, looking at me. “There are plenty of people in this world who would say I was wrong to have stayed with Nikolai, after what he did. That I was wrong to forgive him, and keep loving him, and stay his wife. To let him try to atone—and hehasatoned, over and over, until there’s no doubt in my mind that he would never repeat his mistakes. But only you know if you would regret not going back to Theo.”
I nod quietly. “I think I’d like to see Nikolai,” I tell Lilliana softly, and she smiles at me, picking up the tray and setting it aside on the desk.
