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I laugh again, and it’s almost like I’m possessed by some demon determined to exorcise this woman from my life. “It’s fine, Molly. We had a fling…”
She raises her voice in such a way I didn’t know she was capable. “It wasn’t just a fling, was it?” She doesn’t say it like a question. She says it like we both fully know our connection was more than just sex.
Her vulnerability brings me to a halt. The silence between us is thick and breathing with the reality of her confession.Our confession.Because she’s totally right.
I don’t want to be cruel. But venom gathers on my tongue because I’m hurt. Hurt because this momentum is coming to an end. Hurt because she’s now going to start telling me she actually likes me… and we can’t be together. And that means I’m going to bruise her, too, and that wasn’t the plan.
It’s so much easier to float on anger than it is to drown in sadness, and the only words I find are ones to push her away. It’s so fucked. I’m so fucked up. She stares at me, waiting, but I have to hold my tongue because she doesn’t deserve me to end it with a fight. I still want to be her friend…
Pain creeps into her eyes. “Dash? Was it… Was it just sex for you?”
I can’t answer that. Not when I need to end this. “Molly, why didn’t you tell me about your sister?”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were moving out?”
“Your sister coming is a sure thing. Me moving into the apartment was anoption.”
My confession catches us both off guard, and silence floats between us while we stare into each other’s eyes with more questions than we have answers.
But she asks again, “Was it just sex for you?”
My God, if she only knew. Being with Molly was a spiritual experience. When I told her it was unforgettable, I meant it. But I also know, I know from the sick feeling piling up in my throat, that I’ve already gone too far with her. Iknewthis woman would hurt me and all I can do is try to dampen the blow by getting out now.
“No. I care about you.” But I can’t keep going down this road leading to nowhere. “I told you I wanted to be friends.”
She nods, flutters her lashes down, and rolls her lips. “Yeah. You said that. I guess I ignored it.Friends.” She stares at the floor, her body slumps in rejection. “You did say that.”
Seeing Molly like this shreds my heart, and panic bites at all the edges. “Sunshine. Come on…”
“Don’t.” She raises her hand to stop me. “It’s fine. You were straight with me about where you stood right from the start. You have nothing to apologize for. And…” She turns back to the kitchen and lights the burner. “It’s what needs to happen.”
Staring at her back and sagging shoulders, I want to reach out and gather her up into my arms and hold her. But I can’t. I can’t, even though something desperate inside me, something I never knew was even there, pounds in anguish against my ribcage, trying to get to her.
If only the last time we were together, I knew. For the second time in my life, I’m leaving something behind without saying goodbye the way I would have wanted.
She clears her throat, throws one last comment over her shoulder, her voice small and brittle. “I’m sorry I didn’t mention Lily coming sooner.”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. The other apartment isn’t ready just yet, but I’ll move in with Jo, and you can get my room ready for your sister.”
She nods, still staring at the contents of the pan; she’s stirring ever so slowly. “Okay.”
I stay for another beat, gazing at her swan-like neck under a nest of pulled-up hair. I used to kiss that neck. Now I leave it for some other man? The thought sickens me. It’s less like me releasing Molly into a life better suited to her and more like I’m being a fucking coward.
When I close the door behind me, I’ve never felt so lonely in my life.
I spend the next five hours staring across my bed at Molly’s wall, wishing things didn’t have to be this way. Wishing I could change. Wishing I could make my numb, paralyzed body open the door and burst into her room, take her as mine, and ignore all the consequences.
What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve put her through pain to avoid my own? What kind of sadist have I become? What was once a young boy coping with grief has turned into full-blown torture, and I always reasoned it was only me getting hurt so it didn’t matter.
I try hard to fall asleep, but Molly telling me it’s okay is on repeat in my head. Her voice in my mind is like the static crackle of a record at the end of its loop. Round and round, I play her grainy words, telling me it’s all right when I know full well it isn’t.
I want to fight for her. But it’s fucking hard when the person I’m trying to defeat is myself. I can’t shake the raw, painful feeling that one day, I’ll look back and regret every single thing I did to let this end.
ChapterTwenty-Eight
MOLLY
I spend hours lying awake,thinking about how just on the other side of the wall is so much more than I made it out to be. I try not to cry but don’t succeed. Droplets roll down my cheeks in devastated trickles. It crushes me to know I’ll never feel his dewy skin against mine in a moment of wild abandon behind hay bales. The thought that I’ll never touch Dash again and he’ll never touch me is excruciating. I’ll never smell him because we won’t get that close, and he’ll stop calling me Sunshine.
