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I know we said we’d be friends, but it will never be the same. I’m struggling to accept it. I’m struggling to accept he can discard what was happening between us so easily… because I can’t. He was right. We are different. Peeling away from each other isn’t right for me. I’m not afraid of being hurt if we go down the road and see it turns into two separate paths. But I hate that we didn’t even try.
I stopped trusting men a long time ago. But I thought I was learning to trustme.And despite him telling me he’s broken, despite him making it clear he wanted to be my friend, my gut told me there was something once-in-a-lifetime happening between us. My intuition said it would be worth any road bumps along the way. But right now, the way a lump grows larger and larger in my throat, threatening to suffocate me if I don’t just let out the tears I’m trying to hold in… it’s unbearable.
I think about when he said he loved we aren’t perfect. I’m not. Neither is he. I’m not looking for perfect. The moon is beautiful but covered in craters. The sky holds the sun but can be covered in clouds. I know people aren’t perfect. Life is far from perfect, and I didn’t idealize Dash. He isn’t perfect.
But he isspecial.
Even now, heartbroken, I know this is true. I’ll never meet someone like him in all my life. He. Is. Special. But I guess I wasn’t special enough for him to take the same risk I was prepared to.
He warned me.
He was right.
I should have listened.
I’m not on the way to becoming a badass bitch. I’m the same sappy pushover I’ve always been.
I nestle my head into my pillow, and when I do, a tear slides out again. I wipe it off and text my sister. I need to feel less alone before I fall into a dark abyss.
Me
WELL, DASH IS MOVING OUT.
Lils
MY SISTER SPIDEY-SENSES TELL ME TO ASK YOU IF YOU’RE OK WITH THAT?
Me
YEAH. IT NEEDED TO HAPPEN. I JUST WANT YOU HERE NOW.
When I put down the phone, another tear escapes. What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t stop crying over this man?
It was just sex. We were never together. But it’s not that.
It’s that we’ll neverbetogether.
* * *
We have weekend help at the ranch, and although I don’t truly ever take a day off, I can do what I want. What I’ve always wanted all these years of working on ranches is to have my own horse to take care of. My own to ride off on the trails like all the tourists with their goofy grins and selfies. I failed to wish for someone to ride with.
I brush Romeo’s dark coat and can’t help but sigh. I barely stop myself from saying out loud to this black beauty that he’s the only Romeo I’ll ever have. My picker is broken. I slowly brush through Romeo’s tail, working on some crusty brown thistles, when Bobby rocks up to put a horse rug away.
“Mornin’, Molly.”
“Hey…” I try not to be distant, but my thoughts are definitely elsewhere. I was hoping Romeo would bring me back down to earth.
“You all right?” Bobby asks, rather than rush off home like I expect him to on a Saturday.
“Of course.” I try a smile but don’t look him in the eye.
“You riding today? Heard Romeo’s yours now.” Bobby rubs Romeo’s neck.
“Not today…” I continue brushing the tail but give Bobby the courtesy of eye contact; it’s not his fault I’m melancholy. And truthfully, since Dash gave him the evil eye, he’s been super cooperative, a team player, and actually, a decent guy. “I don’t have any tack yet.”
“Sure you do. Dash left it in the tack room next to his stuff this morning.”
I stop grooming with the brush caught mid-stroke. What the hell kind of whiplash is Dashiell Hunter trying to give me? I shake it off and keep at a stubborn thistle. “I don’t think that’s for me.”
