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“Don’t get sarcastic, Mariana Isabel,” my mom says.
I can’t help but smile at the way she trills my name.
“This is a really big deal,” Sofia says.
I sigh. “I know.”
“Yes, it is,” my dad says, his voice biting. “And yet she never said anything about it until Brandon took advantage of her.”
I whip my head in his direction. Rage makes that spirit of rebellion rise like a geyser within me. “Brandon didn’t take advantage of me, Dad, because I’m not a fucking child. I love him. I love him with all my heart—” my voice cracks “—and I think he loves me too. But he’s too stubbornly set in his antiquated ways, just like you. I’m the one who’s hurt by it. That’s what you being like this—” I wave a hand at him “—does. It hurts people like me.”
His expression falters. “Did…” He licks his lips. “Did I hurt you?”
I strain my mouth to keep my lips from quivering. “Yes. You hurt me by interfering in my life. By making me feel like I’m not good enough if I don’t follow God.”
He takes an unsteady breath. “I love my children no matter what. You know that.”
“Do I?” My voice cracks.
His eyes grow glassy. “Mari—” He gulps back a sob. “I don’t want you to think… I love you. I love you more than my own life.”
My mom nods jerkily. “We love you, Mari. You can be an atheist. You can be anything you—” Her voice breaks.
My dad sets his hand on my mom’s thigh. “What your mom means is that our love is not conditional. It never was. I’m heartbroken to hear—”
When he gulps back a sob again, a warm trickle falls down my cheek. I can’t stand it when my dad cries. I’ve only ever seen it a handful of times in my entire life.
“I’ll always pray for you,” he chokes out. “Because I love my Lord, and I want all my children to experience the miracle that I have. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
I nod jerkily. “That’s okay. It’s your relationship with God, not mine.”
“Can we still go to church together?” Sofia asks.
I manage a smile. “Sure. We can go to church. Not Brandon’s church anymore, of course. But if we found another pastor who’s really educated on Bible history, I’d love to go with you.”
“And I won’t pressure you anymore,” my dad says. “I don’t want you to feel…” He shuts his eyes. “You can believe whatever you want.”
I reach out and take his hand, and he squeezes mine so tightly it almost hurts.
ChapterThirty-Two
Brandon
The day of the rehearsal dinner is here.
I’ll finally get to see her precious face. It’s been agony counting the minutes until now because I know what my restlessness means. When my mind was constantly on this night even as I tried to focus on other things, I knew.
I’ll never have peace. I’ll always be waiting to see her.
Waiting for something I’ll never have.
In my darkest moments, I wanted to rage at God for putting me in heaven only to take it away. I can’t in good conscience pursue Mariana after everything I’ve done.
Forcing a talk with her would be an excuse to be close to her, and I can’t do it. It’s selfish, and I’m doing everything in my power to show her how much I love her by letting her go.
Letting her go.
Fuck.
