AllFreeNovel
Share Us
My dad’s expression is grim. He’s barely looked at me since he let me inside the house. My mom has been a little better—asking me about when she needs to buy my grad school textbooks and if I need any “school clothes”—trying to pretend like nothing has changed these past few weeks.
Sofia is my rock. She’s sitting on the couch beside me, but she doesn’t know why I called this little family meeting. Even though I know she might be as hurt as they are when she hears what I have to say, at least she now has a bit of empathy after what she sees as her fall from grace.
“I have to say something that is going to probably hurt.” My voice is surprisingly firm. “But I just have to say it.”
My dad’s expression doesn’t change, but both my mom and Sofia frown.
It’s now or never. “I’m an atheist.”
The words linger in the air. My mom and Sofia’s eyes grow impossibly huge.
“What?” My mom’s mouth is hanging open.
“Are you being serious right now?” Sofia asks.
My dad doesn’t look up, but his jaw ticks. He was probably expecting this. He, more than anyone else, seemed to read the warning signs from the beginning.
Which is why he tried so hard to steer me in a different direction.
I sigh. “It’s not like I’m a murderer. I’m just an atheist. I have been for a while.”
Mom’s eyes well with tears, her fingers clenching the fabric of the couch armrest. Fuck. I knew this was coming. I knew she would cry.
This is okay. This is fine.
This is me accepting myself.
“But…you’ve been going to church.” Sofia blinks rapidly, as if trying to make sense of my confession.
I sigh, looking down at my hands. “Yes. I had reasons for that. Partly, I was trying to please you all. And partly…” I huff out a nervous laugh. “I was horny for Brandon.”
“Mari,” my mom scolds.
Dad’s nostrils flare as he meets my eyes for the first time. “It’s because of him, isn’t it? He drove you away from God.” He shakes his head. “I never should’ve trusted him.”
I scowl. “He’s a damn pastor, Dad. How could he drive me away from God?”
“Through his sin.” He raises his voice. “He was supposed to be an example for you.”
I let out a long sigh. “Dad, I don’t believe in sin.”
His eyes widen, but it doesn’t deter me.
I raise my chin. “You can’t blame Brandon for something you’ve seen coming since I was a little girl. You know you have.”
He looks away. “You’re just passionate. It’s part of your journey. God’s going to use you to do wonderful—”
“No, Dad.” I shake my head sharply. “I can’t beusedby a God who doesn’t exist. I know he exists for you. For all of you—” I gesture to Mom and Sofia “—but he doesn’t exist for me. I’ve tried my entire life to believe, but I can’t. I wish I could. It would make my life so much easier…” My throat grows tight. “But I can’t.”
A whimper draws my attention to my mom, but I can’t look her way. It’s hard enough to say all of this without having to provide comfort for her grieving my lost soul.
“Why didn’t you say anything before?” Sofia asks, her tone full of indignation.
I take a moment to collect my thoughts. “I was afraid you wouldn’t see me the same way. That you wouldn’t love me the same way.”
She inhales sharply. “That’s crap, Mari. Don’t put that on us. We never said you had to be a Christian for us to love you. I mean, I am worried about you because atheism…” She shakes her head. “It’s a total rejection of God. I hope you take some time to really think about the consequences.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “Thanks, sis. I’ll keep that in mind.”
