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He chuckles. “I love how direct you are.”
My cheeks warm at his use of the word “love.” He’s used it before in reference to me and my family, but never with so much warmth in his voice.
Heat is a better word.
“Quitting was the best decision I ever made,” he says. “I was thoroughly burnt out when I finally sold my share of the company. I wouldn’t have done anyone any good had I stayed. Damon—my partner and best friend at the time—probably would have tried to force me to sell eventually.”
I wrinkle my nose. “What a dick.”
He grins, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “He would’ve been justified. My mom had just passed away, and I was completely checked out. I had been since she got sick, really. I didn’t even show up to our last few board meetings.”
“That doesn’t sound like you, even if you were grieving. I guess…you must have been really devastated.”
“I was.” His gaze grows unfocused. “She was my anchor, even as a grown man. I didn’t form strong bonds with anyone else back then. I didn’t… I had a hard time being vulnerable before I came to God.”
I lift my chin. “Like most men I know.”
“Yes.” His smile fades. “My dad is the same way. He deals with his emotions by finding new, younger woman.”
A chill skates over my skin at the bitterness in his voice. I’ve never heard him talk this way before. In his sermons, he always sounds so quietly accepting of life’s trials, probably partially by design. He wants his congregation to look to him for guidance.
No wonder he never talks about his dad. He wouldn’t want people to see this side of him.
I soften my voice. “That must have been hard for your mom.”
“It was.” His jaw clenches. “He left her for one of his younger women. I’m not sure if she ever really recovered from it. Cancer’s a complicated disease, and I sometimes wonder if…” He shakes his head. “There’s no point dwelling on things that can’t be changed.”
He stares down at his coffee mug for a moment. Then, as if a thought occurs to him, a cynical smile tugs at his lips. “He leftthatwoman too, for an even younger woman.”
I frown. “Which one was Ethan’s mom?”
“Wife number two.” That cynical smile grows. “He’s now on wife number three. She’s probably only a little older than Sofia.”
A wave of melancholy washes over me. Everything is starting to click into place. No wonder he’s agonizing over touching my lip yesterday. Any attraction to a woman as young as me probably reminds him of his dad.
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” he says abruptly. “I’d probably still be a selfish prick if things hadn’t happened the way they did. I used to be the type of person who saw people only for what they could do for me, and it was a shitty way to go through life. For me and for the people I treated like garbage. I had so many shallow friendships and…” His jaw tightens. “Relationships with women that were only about…one thing. Now I know that all people have value. All people are worthy. I believe this from the bottom of my soul, and it didn’t come from within. It came from God.”
I smile faintly. “I guess I’m fucked then.”
He shakes his head sharply. “You don’t need God. You’re that way all on your own.”
The atmosphere between us changes, like smoke drifting through the air, I can almost see it. No one has ever told me anything like that before, not even the people who accept me just as I am—like Livvy and Vanessa.
What would it be like to be in this house all the time? What would it be like to become part of the beautiful wallpaper—sitting out there on the patio with him looking at me like he is right now, telling me I’m perfect as I am?
Oh fuck, I hope this doesn’t mean the lip touch got to my head. Wanting him physically is one thing, but I can’t develop deeper feelings for him. What would he do if he caught on?
He’d probably pity me. Think I’m a silly girl, like the young women in his church who have stars in their eyes when they approach him after his sermons.
“Well, I should head out,” I say quickly.
He jerks back a little, as if surprised by my change in mood. “I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess.”
I smile. “Tomorrow’s Saturday, Pastor.”
“I’ll be at dinner.”
My stomach drops. Oh, that’s right. The dinner with my family. “Damn, I forgot. Everyone’s going to be there. They’re all going to be asking me how this whole…internship with you is going.”
