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I pull up my phone and type in the first place that comes to mind. After a few clicks, the voice of my navigation starts talking. I pull up a playlist on Spotify and turn up the volume as loud as my ears can tolerate.
Brandon
It’s been three agonizing days since I last saw her. The memory of her retreating back as she walked away from me plays on loop in my head. Her padding footsteps, their slowly increasing speed will probably echo in my ears for the rest of my life.
Loving her is the worst pain, but didn’t I predict it would be? This is my punishment, and I deserve this overwhelming ache in my chest.
I took advantage of her. I wanted her so badly, I threw my morals into the dust and stomped all over them.
I wanted her at all costs.
Even when it meant betraying everyone I hold dear.
“Do you think I should tell my congregation,” I ask my bishop.
He leans back into his desk chair. “If you feel like full transparency is necessary—spiritually necessary, that is—then perhaps. Otherwise, I don’t see the purpose. You’re repentant. You’ve put an end to your sin.”
I let out a long breath. “There needs to be consequences. At the very least, you should formally reprimand me.”
He’s quiet for a long while because that is his way. He doesn’t have the warmest disposition, and yet his silence is more soothing than any words of comfort.
“Bludgeoning yourself won’t do you any good. You know that. Why don’t you take a few weeks off and spend some time in prayer?”
I shut my eyes, running my hands over my head. “A vacation. Just what I deserve after everything I’ve done.”
“And what about your pain? Is that not a punishment?”
“Not when…” I inhale sharply through my nose, fighting the wave of emotion squeezing my throat. “I don’t regret what I’ve done. Not for a moment. Every time I think back on it all… Every time I imagine going back in time, I know I would do it again. Even after all the people I hurt.”
His chair squeaks as he leans forward. “That’s probably because you have feelings for the girl. Or woman, I should say.”
I scoff. “She is a girl. And I hurt her the most. She might not see it now, but she will someday. She’ll remember me as that former friend of her dad’s who took advantage of her.”
That thought is agony. My memories of her are so precious I wish I could bottle them up and open them whenever the world gets too cold.
“What kind of person doesn’t regret something like this?” I ask almost to myself. “I’ve probably lost my dearest friend.”
“Only you can answer that.”
“My worthless father never regretted anything either. He’s never apologized to my mom. Or Ethan’s.” I laugh humorlessly. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard an apology from him for anything.”
He lets out a long sigh. “It’s not about feelings, Brandon. It’s about choices. You’re already different from your dad just by the fact that you came to me and confessed.”
I grunt. “When I got caught, yes.”
He sighs heavily. “I don’t know what more I can say to you. If you really want punishment, reflect on everything you’ve lost. Emotional pain is much more powerful than anything I could say or do.”
I nod.
“And maybe reconsider if this is all what you really want. You wouldn’t be the first pastor to start over with a woman after wrongdoing. Just because you sinned, doesn’t mean you’ve ruined your future with this woman.”
Longing wraps around my lungs, squeezing so tightly it’s hard to take a breath. I don’t even want to imagine a future with her. It’s too agonizingly sweet to bear.
She deserves so much more than a broken man like me.
* * *
When I step out of my car, I catch sight of a man standing on my porch balcony. Even yards away and with his back to me, I feel his rage like a bonfire.
