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He sighs heavily. “I should be asking you that. I’m the one who wronged you.”
My teeth clench of their own will, even though I expected this from him. “That’s ridiculous.”
He whips around to face me, his eyes flashing. “Do you have any idea what just happened here? She walked in on me with my young PA bent over my desk in the middle of my church. Pastors get fired for far less than this.”
My throat squeezes tight. Why didn’t I think of that? He said getting caught would be a scandal for him. He could lose everything. This church gave him community and meaning, and he could lose it all.
Because of me.
“I won’t let that happen,” I say firmly. “I’ll make sure my family doesn’t do anything about this. They probably won’t want to anyway, because ofmyreputation.”
His eyes grow unfocused. “I almost want to get fired. I deserve it.”
I scowl at him. “You deserve it? What about your church? They’ll be losing an incredible pastor with a gift for teaching, all because of what?” I gesture at his desk. “A little fun you had with a fully consenting woman?” I shake my head. “Maybe men of God need to give up on black and white thinking. It seems to be pretty self-serving if you ask me.”
“Self-serving?” He takes a step in my direction. “This is the first time I haven’t thought about myself since this madness began.”
“Oh, really? Wanting punishment to make yourself feel better? It sounds pretty self-serving to me. Kinky, even.”
He scowls before looking away from me. “I’m unfit to be a pastor. I’m just like—” His lips close. “I’m unfit.”
“Oh, you’re just like your dad, huh? Is that what you were going to say?”
When he flinches, I want to reach out and touch him, but I must hold my ground. I can let go of his rejection of me—however much it hurts—but I refuse to stand by and watch him throw away everything that brings him meaning just because of some stupid guilt.
He swallows. “I knew I had his tendencies, but I never thought I’d do what he did.”
“How is this what he did?” I raise both hands in the air. “Do you have a wife you’re hiding?”
“I betrayed people I love.”
I let out a groan, unable to help myself. “People who have no business feeling betrayed. My dad doesn’t own me. Purity culture has certainly worked hard to make him think he does, but the reality is this has nothing to do with him.”
“It doesn’t matter what the truth is. It doesn’t matter who’s right.” He’s nearly shouting now, and I welcome it. “He’s my dearest friend, and he asked me to help his daughter. Help her spiritually. How do you think he’ll feel when he finds out I bent her over my desk instead?” He shakes his head. “People of integrity don’t willfully hurt the people they love most.”
And I’m not one of those people.
“What about me?” I ask, because I can’t just pretend it isn’t shattering my heart to hear him put my father above me yet again.
His stern expression falters as he looks away. “We may never see each other again.”
My head grows a little fuzzy. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Your family will probably hate me after this. The very least I can do for them is stay away from you.”
My whole body grows cold, and the world around me grows suddenly darker. I never understood the phrase “rose-colored glasses” until now. I thought it was only a metaphor, but there’s a shade to the room that wasn’t there a moment ago. It’s not rose colored but a hideously dim orange and red, as if the sun were burning out.
I don’t think words could work their way out of my throat even if I expended every ounce of my will.
I need to get out of here.
If he senses my turmoil, he doesn’t show it. His handsome face is hard and cold. Without a word, I make my way out of the office. I don’t bother to gather my things. I just rush down the hallway, and before I know it, I’m sprinting.
As soon as I slam my car door, my phone chimes.
Sofia: I’m calling a family meeting tonight, and I want you there.
I let out a long breath. Absolutely fucking not. I’m getting the hell out of town.
