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I sighed, my shoulders slumping. If that was the case, then there was no hope for me. We’d tried multiple medications, but I always had horrible side effects from them, so I eventually just stopped trying medications altogether when I was seventeen. My parents hadn’t liked it, nor had Dr. Clancy, but everyone had supported me.
“Thanks, doc.”
He nodded. “I wish there was more I could do for you, Sterling. I really do. I think this is something you and Dr. Clancy need to work through together.”
I slid off the cot. “Thanks, doc,” I repeated, just wanting this day over with. “I’ll talk to her about it at my next appointment. Will everything be faxed over to her?”
He nodded. “I’ve got someone working on it as we speak,” he assured me. “You have a good day, Sterling.”
“You, too,” I muttered before I walked out of the room, heading to the checkout counter.
1
Graham
Something was wrong with Sterling. This was the third morning in a row he had slipped out of our dorm in his running clothes. He was doing his best to hide his spiraling from me, but hell, we were into our third year of friendship. I knew Sterling like the back of my hand.
Something had happened. Even Darren had been pissy at practice the last couple of days. In fact, it’d been since Sterling had asked me if he could have the dorm to himself for the night. Fuck, that had settled in my stomach like sour ass milk when he requested it, but I’d done it. I’d shoved aside my own feelings so Sterling could have the opportunity to get off with a guy that wasn’t me.
I’d holed up with a girl a couple of floors beneath us. It was easier than trying to room with another guy on our floor, who would probably have their own conquests in their beds.
The girl I’d stayed with—I couldn’t even remember her damn name—had tried to have sex with me, but I hadn’t been in the mood. All I could think about was my best friend—the guy I was madly in love with—being upstairs with one of my jackass teammates.
Hell, anyone who wasn’t me was a jackass when it came to Sterling. No one was good enough for him. Because despite everything he’d been through, he still had a heart of gold and a soul that just shone a light on anyone who needed it.
He was everything good in this world. And I was terrified someone would be able to snuff it out if I didn’t protect him.
Clenching my jaw, I slid out of bed and grabbed my toiletries. I knew Sterling would be gone for a good minute, so I had time to shower and get dressed for the day before confronting him. And Iwouldbe confronting him because he and I both knew that nothing good ever came out of him trying to outrun his demons.
It just left him exhausted. It didn’t fix him not being able to sleep. It didn’t fix whatever was happening in his life to keep him wired, anxious, and worried.
The trauma Sterling had endured… God, it made me sick to my stomach to even think about it. He hadn’t told me everything. Hell, I was pretty sure he’d barely even scraped the surface of what he’d gone through and what that sick son of a bitch had done to him when he’d talked to me about it. But he’d told me enough for me to know it was fucking horrendous.
Most people wouldn’t be able to live with those kinds of memories haunting them day in and day out. I wasn’t sure I could. Sterling was the strongest person I knew. I just wished he saw that so he didn’t spend so much time running from the darkness in his mind.
Grunting, I stood in front of the mirror and began to shave my face. I hated having any kind of stubble. Didn’t know why, but it bothered the fuck out of me. I loved stubble and beards on other men. Loved the way it felt against my skin. But I hated my own stubble. I’d even tried growing it out once to see if that made it any better, but nope. Hated it even more.
Besides, Sterling didn’t seem to mind my face being free of hair every day.
After shaving, I quickly got in the shower, knowing I didn’t have much more time before Sterling made it back to the dorms. In five minutes, I was out, dried off, and dressed, heading back into our room. Sterling was rifling through his little closet for clothes, and he turned to look at me when I entered.
His back tensed when I flipped the lock. I hated making him feel trapped, but if I didn’t, he’d run.
Again.
“We need to talk,” I told him as I ran my towel over my wet, dirty blonde hair.
He grunted. “Nothing to talk about, Graham.”
I snorted and dropped onto my bed. “Cut the bullshit, Sterling. I know you well enough to know something’s wrong. Not only have you gone for a run the past two days and again this morning, but you’re eating less, and you’re hardly sleeping.”
He hung his head forward, his shoulders slumping. I hated the defeat so clearly riding him. My fingers twitched with the urge to tug him into my arms, but I wasn’t sure what mood he was in right now. Touching him in the wrong mood could send him falling into a panic attack. And fuck, those were terrifying to witness.
Ihatedit when he had panic attacks. They made me feel hopeless. Useless. And I felt like I was suffocating right along with him.
“Come on, Sterling,” I pleaded. “I’m worried about you.”
He clenched his jaw before looking at me. “I really don’t want to talk about it, Graham.”
