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16
NATHANIEL
“Nathaniel?” Her voice came out like a breathless prayer between us.
“Yes?”
“Tell me something real about you.”
The question was so out of the blue that I had to blink a few times to understand if she had said that.
“Something real?”
She nodded slowly, holding my gaze. “Something no one knows. A fear of yours. A comfort you seek out when the world gets heavy. A truth you’re scared to say.”
The last one had some hidden message behind it, but that was something I wanted to avoid unpacking today or ever.
“I’m not scared of anything.”
“That can’t be true.” I knew she wouldn’t believe me. “Everyone is scared of something.”
“Not me. The worst fears of my life came true when I lost my mother. Now everything else seems so…pointless after that.”
It was true. The pain I experienced when I lost my mother was unlike anything I had ever felt in my entire life. It was this crippling kind of pain that left me frozen in time. I couldn’t look back because the memories were too painful, but I couldn’t move forward due to the guilt that weighed heavily for survival.
“I’m scared of thunderstorms,” she confessed. “I was in a horrible accident that took my mother's life and another person in the other car. It was pouring down rain in Braven Bay. I don’t know exactly how the accident occurred, but from what I know, my mom lost control and hit an oncoming car. I was six at the time this all happened.”
It was that night. She was talking about the time both of our lives changed forever.
“I woke up in the hospital. I don’t remember much of what happened in the accident, but I remember someone pulling me like a hero. The doctors said if I had been left in the car for any longer and not attended to, I would have died on the spot. I’ve feared storms ever since. They remind me of the day a person I loved so dearly in this world was taken from me. I wasn’t even able to go to the funeral. I was in a medically induced coma for at least a month before awakening. And when I woke up, I didn’t know and didn’t want to exist in the new world I had fallen into.
Even at the tender age of 6, I knew I would never be the same. But for my father's sake, I pretended all was well because I knew he was grieving, and he couldn’t worry about the both of us.” Her voice grew thicker with emotion. The slight crack tugged at something in my chest. “Looking back at it now, I probably should have said something instead of feigning happiness. Maybe I wouldn’t have made many choices that led me here today.”
One of those choices concerned my brother, but I would not ask her about it. This topic was still so fresh for me, even though it had been nearly sixteen years since the accident killed both of our moms.
I had replayed that night repeatedly in my head. She was also wondering if she could have done anything differently. Would they have both lived if her mother hadn’t been so careless?
My mother wasn’t supposed to be out on that bridge that night. She had only come to get me from a party I was told not to go to. She had worried that if I drove myself, I would have crashed and died. But it turned out to be her instead.
So many things would have changed if people had made slightly different choices that night. Maybe my mother would have lived. Maybe her mother would have lived.
Amelia began to speak, breaking me from my what-if scenario sorrow train.
“Maybe that’s why I stayed with your brother as long as I did.” She let out a humorless laugh.
“I don’t doubt that I loved Jacob. He was my first everything. But now I realize that I used him to cushion my pain. I used him to make those hollow days seem more bearable …after a while, he just became a part of my daily routine. Maybe that’s why he broke up with me. He knew he needed to chase after more in the world, and I guess I do too.”
Her words hung heavy in the air. Her eyes had glazed over, teleporting her to a faraway place, and when she finally blinked, she moved her gaze from her hands to my face. Her features softened, and her hand reached for mine.
Instant shock waves rolled throughout my body at our contact, and it took every ounce of willpower I had not to react.
Time stopped then, and all that existed was her and I. The bubble encased us in the singular defining moment.
Flashes of Thanksgiving filtered into my mind. We had been so close. I wanted to. I relate to giving in to all my desires and to caution. There was no one here to stop us. There was no barrier anymore.
I cupped the side of her face, brushing my thumb against her cheek. She closed her eyes, leaning into my touch. When she opened them again, I could see the deep seeded desire and want in them.
She wanted this just as badly as I did.
