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At the mention of her name, my entire body ceased.
“She was like this ray of light that killed the darkness. She was my lantern, and I clung to her for dear life because she was the only thing that didn’t feel…heavy.” He let out a low and humorless laugh. “Of course, that was until I let her go, and it fucked everything up. But I couldn’t lose her. She was the one good thing in my life and the only constant thing I had.”
I knew that feeling well. That was precisely what she had been to me. She was like that for many people—this beacon of hope and light.
“So why let her go?” The words escaped my lips before I could even stop them.
He stared out at the skyline. “I had told myself it was because I needed more, but now when I look at it, I realize that I knew I couldn’t keep her deep down. She had dreams far bigger than what I could give her. And I knew that with me, she was settling.”
“So why—”
“—chase her down to Chicago and try to present her with our mother’s ring?”
I nodded.
“Because I was scared.” This was the most vulnerable I had ever seen my brother. He was not the kind of man who liked to show his scars. But here he was, bearing it all out for me. “I thought I could fight my darkness and become my own lantern. But the silence grew louder and the darkness thicker until I couldn’t take it. Dad suggested therapy a few months ago. That’s when I was diagnosed with moderate PTSD and moderate to severe anxiety. I got the pen to help me when I feel the symptoms creeping up on me.”
“Amelia being away from you brought back the memories of Mom?” Was that why he had been hitting the pen?
He nodded. “She’s my main trigger—mom, that is. And somehow, I had made Amelia the antidote to that trigger. I knew it was unfair to her to have her carry that kind of responsibility, especially because she didn’t even know she was taking it.
We fought more and more when I felt she wasn’t doing her ‘job’ of removing the darkness. But instead of blaming me, I placed it on her and came up with a bullshit excuse.”
I had no idea this was the pain he had been carrying around. But how could I? I ran from him. I declined invitation after invitation.
“I realize now that although I love her, I can’t keep using her as my crutch.” He turned to me fully with a sad smile on my face. “It was never her job in the beginning to fix me. I had searched for someone to fill the void Mom left, but now I realize I have to fill that space with my love for myself. She deserves someone who can love her wholly and fully.”
She did. She deserved the kind of love that was soft and felt like warmth.
“She deserves you,” my brother finished, completely stunning me into silence.
“She deserves more than me.”
“Are you in love with her?”
“Of course I love her.” My answer was immediate and without hesitation.
“But that wasn’t my question, though, brother. I asked if you were in love with her. There is a difference between the two. One is where you are deeply rooted and embedded in someone else’s soul. Their very essence and presence are both your destruction and salvation. There is no part of you that person has not touched.”
Soulmates.
That’s what he was trying to explain to me.
“Do you feel that way about her? Do you feel like she has embedded yourself and you in her?”
I nodded.
“Then I don’t see why you're not the one she needs.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out the small velvet box that housed our mother's ring. “This is rightfully yours, and it should be on her finger.”
I stared at the box in complete and utter shock. Slowly, I took it out of my brother's hand.
“And I hear I’m going to be an uncle," he sighed, returning to the view before us. “Hopefully, you don’t keep the baby away from Dad and me too.”
I swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the blockage in my throat. “I fucked up, Jake. I let my insecurities filter into my relationship with you, and I am so sorry. I was dealing with the guilt of losing Mom and trying to remove all negative emotions. I should have done better. I should have been better.”
“You know that accident was no one’s fault. It was an awful day and everyone got caught in that storm. It was an accident. ACCIDENT.” He draped his arm over my shoulder. “Forgive yourself for being unable to play God and save our mother’s life. And give yourself grace, Nathaniel. You saved the woman you loved and must stop living in the past.”
“I don’t even know if she will forgive me.” I choked on my words, the possibility of losing her ripping at my insides. “And now with the baby….”
