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Because that hurt like a motherfucker.
“Are you crazy?” You reached for me, worried I was hurt. I was.
“I am for you,” I said before I puked in the grass from the pain.
But then I got a badass cast with crutches for two months. And I got you carrying my backpack and spoiling me.
Fuck, if that got me more time with you? I was ready to jump off buildings next.
Instead, Cade, I jumped off the edge of sanity into my hell. Because that’s what happens to me when I drink or pop pills.
I popped a beer open that afternoon, and reality disappeared after four more beers in minutes. I don’t remember much.
My memory’s kind that way.
But I had lots of dreams about you. I wanted to stay in them with you. I had you and no pain, and that’s all I wanted. In my dreams, you kept holding me and telling me it’ll be okay. That you weren’t mad. That you loved me.
And I held on for you. For those dreams with you. I didn’t let go to whatever was pulling me under because I wanted a life with you more.
But when I woke up, I couldn’t face it. How I hurt you. And me. And everyone I loved. How I fucked up again.
I can’t tell you the shame of it. How it feels bigger than me and like I’ll never win.
But I tried.
I swear—my life, my addiction—it feels like I’m trying to turn the Titanic around… on a motherfucking dime.
And I did it this time.
No more secrets. I told my sponsor, my group, my new counselor, and every damn person who’d listen; I told them what happened, all my scars and pain. And after a while, it worked.
I was free.
My sobriety feels different this time. Like I crossed over.
I guess I shouldn’t say I’m a new man. I’m a better one.
I’m a man who’s staring at who saved him. Who he loves.
She’s sitting right in front of me on the beach.
Our beach.
CHAPTER FIFTY
My back pocket vibrates, waking me from my stare, contemplating the line where the ocean kisses the sky.
SILAS
Wanna go fishing?
Wanna grab some beer?
Me? I just wanna see you
He’s a temptation. One I’ve resisted for over a year. We hang out. We laugh. But something holds him back. Me too.
Is it the way he looks so much like Redix? How I feel so comfortable with Silas. It’s a bittersweet marvel, and I don’t know.
