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He gave me a mock salute before disappearing in the direction of his bedroom.
Yes, he had his own bedroom here. Right next to my own. It was another reminder of the boundaries I’d failed to put between us.
By the time he returned, thankfully fully dressed, I’d made us both a coffee. For a second, I’d considered putting his in a travel mug. Even Silas wouldn’t be able to miss the hint that he should be on his way.
But when my hand snaked up to grab it, it returned with one of my standard ceramic ones.
No, not a standard one. The one with an image of a sloth that was reserved for Silas alone.
Silas was humming a tune as he reached for his mug. I braced myself as he took that first sip, knowing exactly what was coming.
The moan Silas gave was always indecent enough to have my blood rerouting itself. “God, that’s good. I’ve missed your coffee.”
I distracted myself by focusing on my own mug. “You have no less than four coffee shops within a five-minute walk of your house.”
“But none of them come with the side of scintillating conversation you provide.”
I grunted, trying hard not to smile. I was not known for my words, something Silas had never minded.
Why would he when he could talk enough for the both of us?
Like he could read my mind, Silas settled onto a stool at the island and launched into a story about a dinner he’d had with Ollie and Luca.
As I took the stool opposite, I flashed back to the countless times we’d sat like this. From that first kitchen table at my parents’ house on the estate to our shitty shared flat at Uni to an endless parade of hotel rooms in all corners of the world.
It was how we started our day. How we always had. Even during these past few years when we’d lived apart, it had been rare for a day to go past without one of us encroaching on the other’s space for our morning pick-me-up.
The only times we missed them was if Silas still had…company. Not that that happened often. Sure, he fucked a different woman every night on tour. But he rarely invited them to spend the night.
And as for me? That had never happened. I wish I could say it was because of some weird attitude towards commitment, as it seemed to be for Silas, but that would be a lie.
It was far unhealthier than that. I never let anyone else stay in case my phone rang in the middle of the night. If Silas needed me, I knew I’d go running. How the fuck would I explain that to someone? That I was leaving the bed they were in to go hold another man.
But you did leave him,my brain helpfully pointed out.Think how many nights Silas has suffered through without you.
I spun my mug slowly as I listened to Silas jump from one story straight into another. No, Silas would’ve called me. Even if I’d ghosted him, he had to know I’d answer a call in the dead of night.
It was the exception to the rule I’d set. I was protecting myself by going no contact during the day.
But if Silas had needed me at night? That wasn’t about me. It was about him.
And I wouldn’t have let him suffer alone. Not through that. It could be ten years down the line. I could be happily married and snuggled up in bed with my husband.
Yet I knew that if my phone rang at two a.m., Silas’s name on the screen, I’d go running. Can’t imagine what my future spouse might think about that…but that was a bridge I could cross later.
Silence tapped at my ears, and I realised belatedly that Silas had stopped talking. That look was back in his eyes as he studied me. That one I didn’t recognise.
“You ready to actuallytalkyet?”
I felt my cheeks heat. He didn’t need to elaborate. I knew what he was asking.
Why had I run? Why had I ghosted him?
I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t think I ever would be.
I couldn’t look Silas in the face as I shook my head. This was it, the moment he’d walk away from our friendship. I wouldn’t blame him. He wasn’t the one who’d broken us.
That was all on me.
