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Sage
12 August
While I usually attempt to update my journal immediately after important events, I have delayed in writing because I have been in mourning. Adam – our resident infected with the zabies virus – died in a freak accident.
A violent summer storm had downed a few trees on the property. We had Adam secure in his indoor habitat, but when a tree fell, it broke through a wall, and he was able to get outside before we could clear the debris from the outdoor area of his enclosure.
The morning after the storm, I went to check on him, and I discovered him dead after impaling himself on the splintered trunk of a broken tree. He likely tripped while walking and fell in such a way that the wood severed his spinal cord through his throat and went up into his skull.
His death was likely instantaneous, and I do not believe he suffered in his last moments.
I was just beginning to understand Adam, and I cannot begin to understand this virus until I understand the infected. The loss of Adam has set my research back dramatically, and I don’t know when we will find another possible patient. It took months for us to build the relationship we had with Adam.
The world is almost gone, and we are still losing people at an exponential rate. There simply is not time to deal with a six-month setback, and that is me using a generous timeline.
It was with that in mind that I have taken an aggressive but I believe necessary course of action. I have deliberately infected myself with the lyssavirus genotype-8.
Adam’s cadaver is still on our property, because I have been preforming an autopsy in hopes of learning more. The most notable part of that is his brain. At 1.2 lbs, it is less than half the size of the average brain of a healthy adult human, both because it appears to have shrunk substantially and because it is filled with so many tiny holes, it has become porous. In addition, the entire organ is a pistachio green in color.
I do not know for certain how long the zabies virus remains viable once the host is dead, and I was concerned that if I waited too long, it would be ineffective.
Yesterday morning, at 8:07 am, on the eleventh of August, I went out to where Adam’s cadaver was stored. I used a syringe to take the blood from his arm, and then I injected it in myself.
I did not consult with my sister before doing so, because I knew that she would do everything to prevent me from doing it. I know, because I would do the same if it was her. But this is the only way I can truly understand what is happening inside the infected. This is the only way I can ever actually know what is going through a “zombie” brain.
When I did tell her yesterday, things did not go well. There is no point in divulging a personal argument between my sister and I, but I will say that an argument did take place. After much discussion, Nova finally agreed to help me with the illness. In large part, I know, because she had no other option.
We have fitted the basement with a set of manacles to keep me chained to the wall. That will be helpful in the early days, when I will likely be at my most violent. We also have the catch all pole, gloves, and muzzle that worked well on Adam, and Nova already knows how to properly use them on an infected human.
As of right now, I am still living in the house with her. That will change at some point, but I am not sure when.
All of yesterday, I felt fine. Anxious, of course, about the impending illness, but physically, I was fine. This morning, I woke up feeling rundown, so it took about twenty-four hours for my symptoms to really begin.
As the day has progressed, I have been feeling worse. Lethargic, weak, too hot, too cold, and nauseated. Most alarmingly, my sister’s wolfdogs don’t want to be around me anymore. They had previously been very fond of me, but the female one has even begun growling at me.
This afternoon, Nova decided that we should be kept separately so no one is hurt. She put them in their outdoor enclosure, and I had to say goodbye to them. I likely won’t see them again, at least not as the Sage I am now.
That was quite difficult, emotionally speaking, both for myself and Nova. I worry that I may not have thought through all that I will say goodbye to. I have been solely focused on trying to understand a virus that I might not ever be able to understand.
Who will I be? Will I still be in there? And if so, will I be able to communicate that to Nova? Or will the interior of “zombie” remain unknowable to the uninfected?
12 August
It’s the middle of the night. I was going to wait until I hit the 48 hr mark to update, but I couldn’t sleep, and I don’t suppose it matters if I wait or not.
My mind is racing, and it’s hard to keep track of all my thoughts. I did not do enough planning before this. I thought I had planned so much. I have always been the planner in the family, much more than Nova. She was the impulsive one, and I was the planner.
And yet I did this without enough thought. I think I wouldn’t let myself think about it, because I knew I’d talk myself out of it. I have always been obsessed with knowing the most and being the smartest, and it’s been driving me mad that I couldn’t know this. I couldn’t understand this.
Even after all the time I spent with Adam. Watching him. Hanging out with him. In his habitat, giving him food and toys, taking his blood, teaching him to trust us. Even after that I still could not answer the questions I had:
When Adam was infected, did he become a zombie or was he still human? Are zombies humans? Or is it something else? Is it a remashing of all our parts into an entirely new entity? Is the path from uninfected human to infected human closer to that of a human giving birth to a new being made with parts of the host? Or is it more like reincarnation?
“We are made of star-stuff” as Carl Sagen famously said. Are zombies made of us the way we are made of stars?
13 August
I’m still in my room, but Nova has locked the door. I feel like shit today. Everything hurts. It hurts to even right this. I can’t stop sweating, and I’m always cold. She opened the window to let the breeze in, because I said I wanted to smell the air, and it’s hot out, so I thoughtmaybe the heat would help, but the heat isn’t making it in here. It just isn’t.
