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My brain was spiraling. Losing Father and Liam within a couple days. The arrest and subsequent escape. My father trying to kill the king. Finding out I had a Keeper. Traveling with a rebel, an organization I hated. Needing to meet with them. It just became too much.
I could ask so much more, and eventually, I would. But not tonight. I needed to be alone for a while. I needed to think. And I needed to cry where no one could witness it. I didn’t want comfort or judgment. I just needed to be on my own.
“I can’t hear anymore tonight,” I informed them, desperately trying to keep my face blank. “I think I’ll step out and get some air before turning in for the evening. Just let me know where I'm sleeping so I don’t wake you when I come in.” I avoided looking at anyone as I stood, heading for the door without waiting for a response.
“Kaia, wait.” Aiden stood and reached for me like he was going to stop me before getting a good look at my face. He looked torn between embracing me and giving me the required space. “Don’t go too far outside. The woods aren’t safe at night.”
I nodded and left the cabin before anyone else could offer an objection.
Chapter12
Kaia
Ipushed out of the cabin, my heart pounding to the rhythm of my torturous thoughts. I welcomed the cool night air on my face. I was sweating despite the chill.
Night had fallen. The only light came from the flickering flames shining through the windows. Little moonlight shone through the thick canopy of trees, and I could only see a few inches beyond my feet.
I almost turned back and braved the guys. Almost. I needed to escape. I needed to breathe, to think without them getting in my head. Under the weight of their penetrating eyes, I could practically hear the words they’d left unsaid. I could feel their concern, their pity. It added weight to my already heavy heart.
I sat against the wide trunk of a tree next to an open window. Resting my head back, I searched for the few brave stars that broke through the shadowy canopy overhead and breathed in the scent of damp grass and fresh, crisp air.
They didn’t wait long to come and look for me. I was alone for five minutes before the door pushed open. Griffin bent his tall frame as he exited, his eyes intently searching the wood. Some tension fell from his posture when he found me.
I knew they wouldn’t let me out of their sight for long or give me the space I requested. They didn’t trust me. But I had hoped to process and find some semblance of calm before I braved their attention again. When my emotions drove me, I could say terrible, unfair things. I couldn’t allow grief and anger to ruin the fragile relationship we were working towards.
“I’m the first lookout,” Griffin said, approaching me. “Cold?”
Without waiting for a reply, he draped a thick blanket over my shoulders and lowered himself to the ground. He didn't touch me or press for conversation; he just rested against the same tree and trained his observant gaze on our surroundings.
We sat in contented silence for a long time while his tranquil stillness somehow managed to calm my pounding heart. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. He drew my entire focus, hushing my erratic thoughts until all I could think about was him. How he sat so close and seemed to tower over me, even sitting down. How I hadn’t acknowledged him and how he never once looked at me.
“I’m sorry for E.Z. back there." Griffin's low, husky voice broke the silence. "He makes jokes when he’s uncomfortable and comes off as insensitive. I hope he didn’t offend you. He means no harm.”
Griffin paused his surveillance of our surroundings and looked at me for the first time. His heated gaze on my upturned face almost compelled me to look back, but I didn’t. I looked intently at anything other than him.
“You defend E.Z., yet call him out all the time,” I said with a small smile, glad he didn’t bring up anything heavy.
“I can’t let him get away with it. He would never stop,” Griffin grumbled, continuing his scrutiny of our surroundings.
We fell into another companionable silence, and my mind started whirling again. Whenever I managed to force my thoughts into a good place, it didn’t last long. They were always chased away by horrors, and I didn’t think I was strong enough to withstand them any longer.
“I don’t know that I can survive this,” I whispered into the silence.
Griffin watched me, his quiet presence compelling me to confide in him, to voice the thoughts that tormented me. To admit things to him that I was afraid to admit to myself. I didn’t think about what to say. I just talked, trusting him. I located the brightest star, a beacon of light shining through the darkness, and watched it shimmer as I unburdened myself to Griffin.
"I feel responsible for Liam's death, and it makes me sick.” I swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump in my throat. “Father's gone, and I never truly knew him. He was working with the rebels. Attempted to kill the king. How could I not know anything? What else was he hiding from me?” I hastily wiped away tears, continuing in a broken whisper. “I was tortured for those answers. They forcibly tried to pry information out of me that I couldn’t supply, even if I wanted to.”
Griffin’s body tightened, and his scrutiny returned to me, but he said nothing.
“I have a Keeper in the south,” I continued, deepening my voice to mock Elijah’s. “If he will still even take me. Our family is a disgrace. How could Father not tell me that I was already promised to someone else? Liam was going to ask Father’s permission to claim me. That would have ruined him.” I looked down, picking at my fingers, trying my best to avoid the feeling of his eyes on me. “But I guess that doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone, and I have no one.” I broke off, choking on a sob as tears left an icy trail down my overheated cheeks. “My life feels like it’s over…”
I trailed off, looking off into the woods. Everything seemed so hopeless. “Then, to make things worse, I found out that one of the councilmen ordered my death. Did I miss anything?” I hummed sardonically. “Oh yeah, I’m taking you guys down with me.”
I could only imagine what Griffin thought of me now. I had gone from a crying mess to a hysterical bitch to sarcastic disarray, but I couldn’t seem to care. I poured my heart out to him.
"How can I properly grieve them while buried under all this guilt and resentment?" I whispered, not expecting an answer.
Griffin turned in my direction, touching my hand with his fingertips, silently asking me to look at him. I met his eyes for the first time, and my soul felt bared to him. He seemed to see everything I had yet to say and everything I didn’t want him to see.
