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‘Right, because not crying when your dad dies is really healthy.’ I sniffle. ‘Why are you even here? You hated him.’
Susie’s eyes widen. ‘I did not,’ she breathes. ‘I loved Kevin—‘
‘That’s why you shouted at him every day? Let me go to my car to grab a book so I can take notes.’ I know this isn’t the time nor place for this conversation, but I have so much unresolved hatred for the woman.
She faces me fully, hugging her coat tighter around herself. She has the nerve to look sheepish. ‘Despite what you may believe, I loved him. A part of me always will.’ She doesn’t look at me as she says, ‘I treated him terribly when I should’ve just left, but I couldn’t bear the thought of you without a mother. People fall out of love all the time, and it just…happened, over many years, over many small things.’
No apology. Nohow are you.I don’t know why I expected anything more.
‘We made amends, you know,’ she says quietly.
I scoff.
She glowers at me. ‘I called him after he told me about his diagnosis to apologise for how I treated him, and there was no malice or jealousy from him. He was happy I was with Phil—although I was a bit horrified when he told me he was going to come back and haunt the both of us.’
She’s that much of a coward that she waited until he was dying to apologise. Probably to ease her own guilt about shagging someone else. But I don’t say anything; I don’t trust myself to speak.
I just glance out across the cemetery, letting my tears come silently. The crowd has dispersed now, but people still linger around the grave, saying their prayers.
I wish forgiveness was easy. I want to forgive my mum, but there’s no room for it. I can’t stop thinking of my dad in the ground and how much my mum wronged him, and I can’t find it within myself to forgive her. Because when you forgive someone, you’re accepting their wrongdoing. A part of me has forgiven her—the surface. The part of myself she sees. I’ll be civil, polite, reasonable, but I don’t want her in my life anymore. The blade she cut me with sliced too deep.
She gives me a sidelong look, assessing me from head to toe. ‘You seem different.’
‘Heartbreak will do that to you.’
‘No…’ She shakes her head. ‘You seem—at peace. Stronger.’ A hesitant pause. ‘Are you still with Andrew?’
‘Archer,’ I amend. ‘And yes, I am.’And you’d know if you bothered to call.
‘I don’t see him.’ She glances around.
He took the day off work for bereavement, as if he actually gave too shits about my dad. But he’s not here. He told me he had errands to run and he’ll meet me here, but he hasn’t showed. I’ve gone past anger. Amelia and Jess are here somewhere, grabbing refreshments, and although it would have been nice to have Archer here, I don’t want him to turn up now because I know I’d slap him.
My mum turns to me, no doubt to grill me on something else, but her eyes fixate on something just above my right shoulder.
I turn—and my mind goes blank.
Green eyes meet mine, and that crooked smile I love is soft and tentative. ‘Hey, Cucumber,’ Chase says.
Chapter Thirty-Two
It’s Good to See You
‘What are you doing here?’ My voice is barely a whisper because I feel like I’ve been slammed into the tree I stand next to.
I know I’m staring, but I can’t stop. This is probably the most un-cool-like I’ve allowed myself to be in front of Chase Maverick, but I can’t believe he’s here, standing in front of me. Every part of me wants to lurch forward and fling myself at him, but I’m rooted to the spot. How many times have I imagined this day, being reunited with him? My favourite fantasy is working in Frank-Bees Foundation and hearing the bell chime as someone walked in and looking up to see him, and I’d throw myself at him because I’ve missed him so goddamned much.
I didn’t ever think I’d just stand there looking at him, incapable of comprehending what’s unfolding. I’m not sure my body has caught up to my mind yet.
He presses a hand against his neck, flashing ink as his sleeve moves up. ‘A little birdy called Amelia told me what happened,’ he says.
I’m not sure whether I’ll kill Emmy or kiss her, and I’m not sure where I find my voice enough to say, shakily, ‘Those damn house sparrows.’
It’s so stupid. Of all the things I want to say to him and we’re talking aboutbirds.
But Chase’s lips twitch, and his eyes soften. ‘It’s good to see you, Frankie.’
My body slams back into me, and I don’t wait another second.
