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“We had to share a sleeping bag because we were freezing,” Beckett said.
“Yeah, and you made us strip to our underwear to share more body heat because you’d read it in a book,” I said with a laugh. “I was half convinced you wanted to molest me.”
“You were not!” Beckett said, sounding horrified.
I smiled. “Only a little, maybe.”
“Why did you go along with it?”
I shrugged a shoulder, even though Beckett probably couldn’t see it in the darkness. “Because you were always the smarter of the two of us, and I trusted you.”
“Oh.”
“And because it really was fucking freezing.”
“It really was.” Beckett shifted onto his side to face me, and I could just make out the gleam of his eyes from the small amount of moonlight trickling through the gaps in the window blinds. “For the record, I didn’t think of you that way back then.”
“I know.”
“Did you ever…” Beck hesitated.
“Ever what? Think of you that way?”
“Yeah. Before Vegas, I mean.”
This felt like dangerous territory. Beckett had done nothing but push me away since the moment we’d come together. I knew he was afraid of the fallout if other people found out. Afraid of what our family and friends would think.
But maybe if he was asking this question…maybe part of him wanted something more than he was ready to admit?
“Yeah, Beck. Not back on that camping trip, obviously. I was still an immature idiot then. But more recently…”
“When did it start?”
“I don’t know exactly,” I said. “We’ve been close for a long time. And that’s great. But it wasn’t enough. I just kept wanting to get closer, you know?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Me too.”
“So, if we both want the same thing, why are we fighting it so hard?” I asked.
He sighed. “You know why. Dad. Our friends. The business. There’s a lot of reasons this can’t happen.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess.”
If it were up to me, I’d roll the dice and gamble on things working out. But I knew Beck didn’t work that way. He was more deliberate in his decisions. He evaluated the risks before he acted. It was still sort of unbelievable he’d ever fucked around with me in the first place, not to mention married me.
I really wished I could remember that night more clearly. I would have liked to see the moment Beck said “I do” to spending his life with me. When he was excited, his smile grew so wide it nearly took over his whole face, the cutest dimples popped in his cheeks, and I couldn’t help but feel a surge of happiness too. If I could bottle that feeling, I could make a fortune.
I was smiling, just thinking of it. Until Beck brought me back to earth with his next words.
“If Laurie saw the truth of us, others might too.”
My heart sank. “I guess it’s possible, but we’re doing our best to be careful. I don’t know what more we can do.”
“We can get that divorce,” he said. “Before someone finds out we really are married.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, pained by his words, though I couldn’t fully understand why. Only that what I’d told him earlier was true. No matter how close we’d been, I’d always wanted to be closer. And now that I was, I had to give it up.
“Wes?” he prompted.
