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But the thing about torture is that it has more impact if you let it fade. That’s what I tell myself. Even kindness can break a person, and that’s what I’m doing. I haven’t suddenly regained my humanity or lost my drive to fuck a little piece of the world over in exchange for having my life burned to the ground.
I don’t need ten minutes by myself to get a handle on wanting to fuck her so badly I can taste it.
Wait, that’s not right. I want tolickher so badly I can taste it. Then fuck her. Then spank her. Then fuck her some more.
“No. I’m not going to watch. But I will break the door down if you try to hole up in here to avoid me.”
Lily’s shoulders relax. Her eyelids flutter shut, more droplets trickling down to rest on her lashes. “There’s, like, not enough to make a barricade, so I won’t do that.”
“Wonderful. Catch you on the flip side.”
The tiniest snort of a laugh follows me out of the bathroom.
When I’m sure she won’t sprint out and make another escape attempt, I go out to the SUV. First things first, the cans of accelerant need to go in my storage shed. It looks like a mini log cabin, but it’s fake wood on metal. A fire would trounce the fake wood but it wouldn’t light the forest on fire or any of that shit.
Then I get the stuff for Snowball’s cage. He’s still sleeping when I get back inside and set the container on the floor at my feet. The cage door opening doesn’t wake him. I wait a minute, then start decorating.
Non-toxic cage liner. A container full of seeds that he can peck at. Those are the basics. Then I add a small stand with an indentation in it, a bunch of moss, some fake lichen, and a variety of fake bird feathers in different sizes.
“It’s not premium stuff to build a nest with,” I mention. “But it’s better than nothing. And I’ll get a bigger cage. Maybe we can do a test run outside to see if you like it. It’s okay if you want to—” My throat shuts down the wordleave.Wraps it in a painful knot. I fought past it, startling Snowball. He opens one eye. “Leave,” I finish, and stand still until he goes back to sleep.
Bird accoutrements tidied, I wash my hands again. Try to make my cabin’s kitchen disappear.
I’ve almost succeeded when my phone rings, buzzing faintly in the sofa cushions.
It’s the middle of the night, so I go to see who it is.Remy Hillis on the screen. I twist a hand through my hair and answer.
“It’s too early,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep.”
She laughs, sounding as tired as Lily. “I’m not seven anymore, Jameson. I know what time it is.”
It takes three tries to get past the memories of her younger face, leaning close to mine in that string of shitty apartments we lived in. She mostly slept in Mason’s bed for the first two years, certain that our parents would come back and look for him first, but when he was on painkillers, he wouldn’t wake up when she shook him in the night.
Gabriel was…out.
So she came to me.
Jameson, I had a bad dream. Jameson? Jameson. Can we do our handshake? Jameson? Did they look like they were sleeping?
“What’s up?”
“You’re really not coming back tonight?” My sister sounds like she woke up and went looking for me, then crawled straight back into bed.
“I had plans.”
“It wasn’t a big deal, you know. At the restaurant.”
“I know.”
I’m too quick on the draw, because Remy lets out a breath that somehow packs all her skepticism into it. “Iknewyou were going to freak out.”
“I’m not freaked out. I’m totally calm right now.”
“That’s what you said before, and then…guess what? You freaked out.”
“Rem. He burned you with a cigarette as a so-called joke. What does he do when he’s serious? Cut people’s fingers off?”
“Ugh. That’s so gross.” She makes a gagging noise.
