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Love fucking sucks.
Chapter sixteen
The Mucky Gray
Miles
Watersoaksthroughtheknees of my pants as I kneel on the wet ground, jacking up my car. I’m reaching up to wipe more rain from my face when headlights shine around me.
Great, maybe it’s a murderer here to add more fun to my night.
“Miles?” I turn and see Aaron and Joel walking toward me, and God help me, I almost break down crying. Forcing my emotions back, I stand and look at them.
“What are you doing here?” I know we always joke about how we’re a hive mind, but actual mind reading is a new level.
They glance at each other, then Aaron says, “Uh, well, we didn’t get the details, but I guess Amelia called Dani upset about whatever happened. Dani texted Rae, and when none of us had heard from you and you weren’t at Mackenzie’s, we used the location tracker app. Figured we’d come see if you were okay.”
A few years back, we all installed a location tracker app on our phones with the promise that we’d only use it to find the others in an emergency. This isn’t exactly an emergency, but I’m thankful as fuck that they’re here.
“Okay is relative.”
They stop next to me. “We don’t need the details now,” Joel says. “Let’s fix the tire, then we can go back to the farmhouse. Okay?”
I nod. “Thanks, guys.”
Aaron squeezes my shoulder. “We’ve got you.”
With three of us working on it, we replace the tire quickly, then make the drive up to the farmhouse. With the adrenaline rush from the flat tire dying down, my anxiety is ramping back up as I replay the fight with Amelia, trying to figure out what I could’ve done differently. I still don’t know, other than to not have said anything at all, but that wasn’t really an option. Eventually I would have had to, which means we would’ve ended up here regardless. Here in the mucky, gray in between. I hate here.
My heart is racing as we pull into the driveway of the farmhouse, and I don’t say a word as I grab my bag and robotically make my way to the front door, leaving Aaron and Joel to trail behind me.
Waves of nausea roll through my stomach, and I want to scream and throw things and tear my fucking skin off to escape this feeling. This is more than an anxiety spiral. It’s a never-ending freefall. I can’t even see the ground to know when I’m going to slam into it.
I don’t even realize I’m inside the farmhouse until Mackie is pushing me onto the couch.
“Miles?”
Her voice sounds far away, like I’m stuck underwater.
That’s how breathing feels right now, too. As in, I can’t.
I close my eyes, desperate for a deep breath, but sharp, shallow ones are all that come.
I pull my knees up to my chest, tears pouring from my eyes. How did everything get so out of control? How do I fix it? How do I… breathe? I need to breathe. I feel like I’m going to pass out.
“Miles, I need you to listen to me.”Mackenzie.“You’re safe. I’m right here.” She wraps her hands around my arms. “We’re all right here. I need you to focus. Focus on just one thing right now. A sound, a smell, something you can feel. Find one thing. Focus.” Her fingers wrap tighter around my arms. “Tell me what it is. Describe it.”
I’ve got nothing.
“I don’t know,” I mutter against my knees.
“Focus,” she says again.
I close my eyes tighter. I need one thing, just one thing to hold on to. Doing my best to clear my mind, I try to tune into the world around me. What do I hear? The rain on the roof, but the sound comes and goes. I feel Mackenzie’s fingers digging into my arms. I smell… I smile and the tightness in my chest eases for half a second.Rae’s brownies.
“Brownies. I smell brownies.”
“Always thinking with your stomach,” comes Rae’s soothing voice, and I realize she’s right next to me.
