Page 106 of Family Like This


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My shoulders soften and I keep breathing. Slower now. Deeper breaths. I grab Mackie’s arms, holding them like she’s holding mine, though not as tightly. Another few breaths. I lift my head, resting it against the back of the couch, and peel my eyes open.

I’m surrounded by love.

There’s no other way to describe it. Pure, unyielding love.

Rae sits on one side of me. Mackie is on the coffee table in front of me. Sarah, Joel, and Aaron are standing at the edges of the coffee table.

I look around at them, feeling relieved and extremely embarrassed. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a panic attack that bad before, and I’ve certainly never had one in front of all my friends.

Numbness washes over me, replacing the panic I felt.

“I’m sorry,” I say, straightening up and letting go of Mackenzie’s arms.

She lets go of mine, too, but doesn’t stop staring at me.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for,” Rae says gently. “You can’t control a panic attack.”

Except usually I can. Or I can control enough to prevent them.

I shake my head and stand. “I’m sorry I worried you all. I’m fine. I think I need to go lie down—”

Aaron steps in my path, arms folded over his chest. “Sit your ass back down.”

I meet his gaze. He’s the closest to me in height, but of the two of us, seems more formidable given his bulkiness.

“I told you, I’m fine. I—”

“You’re not fine.” He steps in closer and shoves my shoulder. “You just had a mini breakdown on my couch, so sit your ass back down. We need to talk. I know you like to think you can use willpower to push through shit, but it does not work like that, sosit.Or I’ll make you.”

I stare at him for another beat. Anger swells in my stomach, but I push it away. It has no place here. It’s a defense mechanism, and though I want to lean into it, it’s not what I need to do. So I sit my ass back down.

I rub my hands over my face and sigh as Aaron sits down next to me and puts a hand on my back.

“When I was struggling freshman year of college, you regularly encouraged me to do better while still supporting me. You were there for me unconditionally, even when I made things messier than they needed to be,” Aaron says.

“And when my depression was at its worst last year, you threatened to throw me over your shoulder and carry me to the counseling center,” Joel says, sitting down next to Mackie on the coffee table.

“You picked up every single one of my pieces whenever I needed you to, but you always encouraged me to put those pieces back together even stronger than they had been before,” Mackie says, gently taking my hand.

“You never let me hide,” Rae says, her voice filled with emotion. “You called me on my shit as much as you hugged me through it. You took me on drives through the back roads, talking it all out with me. You never let me stay in the darkness.”

“You’re always here for all of us. You take care of us, show up for us, and balance telling us when we need to do better and loving us through it. You’ve had my back through the worst moments. All of our backs. Always. Now it’s our turn. We love you, but you need help,” Sarah says, sitting on Mackenzie’s other side. “The kind of panic attack you just had—the anxiety you’ve been experiencing—it’s beyond manageable for you now, which means you need to get help. Talk therapy, even medications—”

“Medications didn’t help you,” I say.

“Because childhood trauma was causing my mental health issues. I needed to work through a lot of things. I still am. Your situation is different. You are the exact kind of person who they might really help. But that’s for a doctor—a psychiatrist, preferably—to decide. Everything is rough with Amelia right now, but no matter what, you’re going to have a baby, and before you can take care of an infant, you have to take care of you.” Sarah’s voice is calm but insistent. I don’t have to give it much thought to know she’s right. I’m not managing anything effectively anymore, and I don’t want to be this way for my daughter.

I look around at my best friends. I truly believe the six of us were meant to find each other because I don’t think any of us would’ve made it through the rockiest times without each other. This level of friendship is more than I ever could’ve imagined getting, but I’m grateful I did.

“Okay.” The word is hoarse and raw coming out of my mouth, and I realize all at once how hungry and thirsty I am. Rae dashes into the kitchen and comes back with a glass of water and a plate stacked high with brownies.

“Eat as many as you want,” she whispers.

I nod, but take the glass, downing most of the water without stopping.

“I’m going to message Dr. Jim and see if he has any good recommendations for you,” Sarah says, typing away on her phone.

“Thank you.” I lean back on the couch and wrap my arm around Rae. “I’m sorry if I scared you guys or I’ve worried you by not taking this seriously. I need to take it seriously. I don’t want to be this guy.”

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