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“With you?” I barked out a laugh. “I can’t even believe you’d offer.”
“You’ve got to talk to someone. Hell, I might understand what you’re going through better than anyone.”
I twisted my hands on the wheel. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”
“Try me,” he said. I scrutinized him quickly then returned my attention to the road. “I’ll just pretend we’re talking about someone else. Not…you know.”
“The fact that you didn’t even say her name speaks volumes.” I couldn’t imagine my son would want to hear the postmortem of my relationship with his ex, even if he and Chrissy had gotten back together.
“I don’t get it. You guys were willing to risk…” He peered out the window. “So much. And then one day, you just wake up and decide it’s over?”
“We didn’t justdecideto break up.” I gripped the wheel, annoyed by his flippant tone. “We realized we wanted different things.”
“What? Like she wanted to move to New York, and you want to stay here? Or you can’t agree on how to spend money?”
“You really want to know?” I asked.
“Yeah. I do. I’ve never seen you as happy as you were with her. Or as miserable as you are now.”
“I was miserable when you weren’t talking to me,” I said. “And I don’t want to go back to that place. I’m afraid that discussing this will put us there.”
“I wouldn’t have asked if I weren’t willing to listen,” he said.
“Fine,” I huffed. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I glanced over at him, double-checking that he was sincere. That he didn’t want to back out. And then said, “She wants a baby.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his jaw drop. He closed it slowly. “A baby? Kendall?”
I nodded. “She wants to be a mom. But she knows I don’t intend to have any more children.”
“Why not?”
My laugh sounded hysterical to my ears. “You’re kidding, right?”
“You love kids,” he said. “And you’re a great dad.”
“Well, thank you.” My chest warmed. “That means a lot, especially after what we’ve been through.”
“If you weren’t such a great dad, I wouldn’t have cared so much about having you in my life.”
I placed my hand on his shoulder. “I don’t deserve you, Jude.”
“Yeah. You’re probably right about that,” he teased. But then his tone grew more serious. “I was always kind of surprised you and Mom didn’t have more kids.”
I huffed out a laugh, thinking of all the times Tori and I had discussed it. But she’d always been opposed. And while I’d understood, it hadn’t taken away that desire.
“What’s funny?” he asked.
“Your mom didn’t want more kids. She loved you, and she said one was enough.” And I knew firsthand how difficult the pregnancy had been for her mental health. Tori had made her wishes clear long ago, and then we’d gotten divorced.
“So, you would’ve had more if she’d agreed?”
“Oh yeah.” I smiled. “I loved growing up as part of a big family. I always saw myself as having that too.”
Could I really have that now? With Kendall?
I wanted it more than anything, but I was scared. Scared to get my hopes up. Scared to think it could still be possible.
For so long, I’d convinced myself that part of my life was over. A dream unrealized.
