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After I was in a leather jock and robe, I left with Joel, who was wearing simple jeans and a black t-shirt. “Why no outfit?”
“Gotta work. I’ll get ta have fun later.”
We made it into the club the back way, and it was lit up with all the lights, the music playing over the speakers on the walls, and the waitstaff was all milling around, waiting for the hoard to enter.
I sat at a table in a corner to watch the crowd flow in like the waters of a dam through the floodgates. Mostly in black or primary colors of leather, latex and even lace came through the doors, all being greeted by their hosts, Damon, Burke and Joel.
The three stood by the doors, even though Joel looked like he’d want to be anywhere but there. He was a shy thing around people he didn’t know well, and it showed. When he knew someone coming inside, he perked up and spoke a mile a minute. Otherwise, however, his head was down like when he used his hat to cover his face. He had no hat, but the gesture was the same.
I saw the masked man coming in and I felt myself stirring, but then…I thought of Rick. When the man approached me not two minutes later, I greeted him with a quick handshake and a kiss to his leather-covered cheek.
“I was hoping to see you,” he said in a gruff whisper.
“Hello, B. I work here, so there were good odds,” I said, laughing.
B sat with me at the table instead of taking a booth, like the previous time. With the eyeholes in the hood the way they were, his eyes were still covered from the light. That was okay, because there was a set of eyes that I already cherished. “I wanted to talk to you again. To…get to know you better, but…just seeing you, I’m afraid I’m tongue-tied,” he said to me while staring down at the hand he’d just taken into his.
How did I say it? Even holding the hand of the man felt as if I were cheating on Rick. It was stupid, as we hadn’t so much as kissed, but I was his if he ever decided he wanted me.
“See, B, if it wasn’t for…someone that…well, what can I say? I think I’ve fallen for him. No, I know I have. He’s the man I want, and even though it might never happen, I want him. For now, there can’t be anything between us. If it doesn’t work out with him, I’ll be hurt, but I don’t expect you to wait around for that. And, well, he…”
I turned my head to search into the crowd for the words to say the rest, and my eyes lit on a couple that made my entire being stiffen.
I had to be seeing things. I was imagining it, it had to be, but…
It was Jeffery and his new partner.
As I started to shake, B noticed. “Kanan? What’s wrong?”
I turned from the sight of Jeffery and pulled by hand from B. “I have to get out of here.”
I got up before B could say a word to me and started for the back of the club and the door that would lead me outside and away from the man who’d broken my heart.
As I opened the door, the cool air of the night slapping my sweaty skin, I took in long breaths, gulping the air into my lungs until they burned.
“Kanan, what the hell happened?” B said, but his voice…he didn’t lower it, it wasn’t a mere whisper, and it was familiar.
A voice I heard every single day. I stared like I couldn’t blink, my breathing stopped, and my body shook. Though his eyes were still in shadows, I thought I could see them shining.
Jeffery was forgotten for the moment, my voice a mere raspy whisper, “Rick?”
It was his turn to stiffen. “Hell.” I felt my jaw dropping as he unzipped the mask and took it from his head. Sure enough, hair plastered to his head, face red from the heat of the mask, Rick stood there, embarrassed as he cocked his head some and said, “Busted.”
The words blew around my head for a moment, and they were angry, furious, and I realized some of it was from seeing Jeffery and his new man, but the hurt I felt in that moment was all from my friends and the man standing in front of me.
“What was this? A fucking game, Rick? You wanted to play with my emotions?”
“No! Kanan, please, don’t hate me. I was going to show you who I was tonight, I swear it,” he pleaded while taking my arms in his grip, but I wrenched from him.
“I don’t care! That’s not the point! You, all my friends, you all kept me in the dark, so what? You could see if you really wanted me?”
His head dropped as he admitted, “I was very confused, Kanan.” When he looked in my eyes again, he whispered, “I think I wanted you from the second I saw you, but can you imagine what that did to my head?”
“I don’t care,” I spat, but it wasn’t true. Inside of me was a fight as I was overjoyed at seeing Rick, knowing he was there for me, but the lies and secrets…
“You do. I can see it, Kanan. We haven’t known each other long, but I’ve watched you, and I know you enough to see that you are hurt right now, but you were falling for me too. You said as much inside.”
I pushed him to the backdoor of the club and moved my body into his, holding his face in both hands.
