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Which I guess he was, because he’s been head fucking me since I got to Switzerland. Charming, seducing, smiling at me every day, using his wit, his personality, his athleticism to create an intoxicating offensive meant to corrupt me.
I want to run back in there and tell him I was just kidding, that he can’t touch anyone else, ever.
I stop in my tracks outside his house.
Should I?
No, I can’t.
I start walking again, distancing myself from his house, his smell, him.
I’m so selfish for even having those thoughts, let alone thinking of actioning them. It’s not like I want to be consumed by thoughts of him to such a point where I only cared about celebrating our team’s victory today if I got to do it with him, I just am.
Contrary to what he believes, I can admit to myself that I’m conflicted. I’m very aware of it and I’ve tried, I’vetried, to suffocate those thoughts but I can’t.
I don’t know what to do.
Carter has been a part of my life for three years and we’ve been dating for two.
Although he may not be the most reliable person, he’s been part of my support system for a long time.
I can’t just break up with him for a guy I’ve known a month who’s made it pretty clear he’s only interested in fucking me.
That’d be completely foolish.
But the thought of Rhys touching someone else, of another girl getting to laugh with him, of him calling her ‘love’ instead of me?
That thought makes me near homicidal.
Bellamy had texted me earlier letting me know she’d accidentally revealed Carter’s infidelity to Rhys, so I’d expected him to make a jabbing comment.
I hadn’t expected such raw anger.
I’d wanted to spend time with him, to celebrate the win he'd helped me, and thus the team, achieve but it’d been overshadowed by our argument.
It didn’t matter in that moment when it felt like our friendship, our relationship, whatever fragile thing we were doing, was breaking.
He’d said the thing about hooking up with other girls out of that same anger, but I have no doubt he’ll follow through on his threat now.
I don’t feel nearly the same heated anger when I think of how Carter cheated, but maybe that’s because of the physical distance between us.
How can I choose when one is standing in front of me and the other is far away, only being judged based on fond memories and one very painful one?
I just need to go home and get some sleep, that’ll help me clear my head.
Hopefully.
???
I haven’t seen Rhys in over twenty four hours, the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other since I came to RCA.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve felt every one of those twenty four hours. They’ve stretched by, bleak and empty, the contrast with what our usual days are like haunting me.
I had a rest day with no team or individual practice yesterday and Rhys didn’t come to class so I didn’t see him.
I miss him.
Like I said, I’m being ridiculous.
