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I wish people would stop saying it like that.
I shrug. “I didn’tsneak, I just…avoided. I didn’t want to deal with the questions.”
She looks at me with softness in her eyes. “Thayer…” she says, her voice trailing off suggestively.
“What?” I ask, my voice going up an octave.
“What are you doing? And don’t,” She adds quickly, before I can feign ignorance again, “pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“We can’t talk about this here.” I whisper hiss.
I don’t want anyone to accidentally overhear our conversation. I open the door to a nearby room and motion for her to join me.
Truth is, I’d hoped that when I saw Carter, it’d close the distance between us. That all the feelings I felt when we first started dating, the ones that’d been amplified when we’d said “I love you”, would come back.
Instead, the short time he’s been here has only highlighted how large the distance between us has actually gotten.
“Did anything happen with Rhys?” She asks.
“No!” I say, “No. But I’m… B, I have no idea what to do. Carter he’s comfortable and he’s–he’s familiar–”
She cuts in. “Just say it. He’s safe.”
“He’s not safe.” I disagree, a frown pulling at my brows. “That’s a weird thing to say about someone who cheated on me.” I say, my teeth grinding together around the word I haven’t said out loud since he betrayed me.
“Yes, he cheated.” She agrees, nodding, “And since then you’ve used the fact that he cheated as a reason to distance yourself from him and your relationship. I’m not saying you shouldn’t protect yourself, you absolutely should, but now you’re staying with him in this shell of a relationship where you’ve bubble wrapped your heart, and that’s a safe choice.”
“What’s wrong with picking the safe choice?”
“Nothing.” She takes my hand in hers and squeezes them. “Except you’re not safe. You’re the girl who takes us across the world for senior year because you read a pamphlet, you’re the fearless captain who’ll go toe to toe with anyone who messes with you. Your bucket list includes paragliding and hiking an active volcano. I’ve seen you willingly bite into a ghost pepperandI’ve seen you fleece a bunch of rich boys in an underground poker game. You’re not safe and you don’t want safe, so I don’t know why you’re settling for it. I don’t think you should.”
Trust your best friend to tell you the brutally honest truth the way she sees it when you need it.
“So you’re telling me to run towards danger?” I ask, conjuring Rhys’ face to mind.
“I’m telling you I don’t think you’re happy with Carter. You weren’t when it was long distance and you’re even less so now that he’s here visiting you, I can see it. You’re not someone who’s ever shied away from risks so why start now?” she asks, before adding, “Don’t hold on just because it’s scary to take a leap, that’s not you.”
“What if I don’t know who I am without Carter?” I say, finally voicing one of the anxieties that’s been holding me back.
Carter’s been by my side for the last two years of my life, it’s terrifying to think about not having that safety net around me anymore, especially when I’m far away from home.
“Sorry for the tough love, but I’m calling bullshit on that one.” She tells me, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “You got us here through sheer willpower alone, you know who you are more than anyone I know. And technically you’ve been without him for weeks and look how well you’ve been doing. You’re thriving.”
She’s right. I have so much strength and belief in myself in every other area of my life, I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to let go of something that seems to already have half withered away.
“Not that you asked me, but I’m going to tell you anyway,” she continues, making me snort, “My two cents is that you love Carter, but you’re not in love with him anymore. It’s hard for you to realize that it’s over because you’re conflating the two.”
“Mackley–”
“This isn’t about him.” she cuts in, “It’s about you. And try as you might to salvage this relationship with Carter, and you have, you’re not in love with him anymore. And there’s nothing wrong with that.” She adds the last part quietly, comfortingly, squeezing my hands one more time.
I look at her and I wish I could disagree. I wish I could tell her she’s wrong, that I’m in love with Carter and see my future with him but I can’t.
And there’s a deep sadness inside me at that loss, at knowing I’m about to make a decision that means leaving a very significant part of my short life behind and moving on.
“I know.” I whisper.
Finally, the words are out.
