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Nobody needed to wake up to that call. Tomorrow was soon enough. He tried to tell himself it was for their sake, and knew it wasn’t.
Somehow, Janey was standing there in her pajamas, her curly hair rumpled around her shoulders. Abby normally plaited it for her at night, but Beckett hadn’t done it. He’d thought,One night won’t matter, and I’m not good at it anyway.
Now there was nobody to plait her hair. The thought dragged at him, trying to pull him under. That, and all the other thoughts lurking underneath.
“Hey,” he told her, feeling his mouth move to form the word, enunciating with care as if he were drunk. “Why are you out of bed?”
“Why are there police here?” Her eyes were big. “Where’s Mum?”
He put his arm around her and pulled her to sit beside him. He couldn’t say the words. If he said them, this was true.
“There was an accident,” he said. The cop brought out the cup of tea, but he barely noticed. “With her car.”
“Is she OK?” Janey asked. “Is she in hospital?” Her voice higher now, her eyes searching his face.
“No, darling girl.” He wished he knew how to do this. He wished he knew how to do anything. “She drove into the river, down a boat ramp near Auntie Sam’s house. They think she got confused in the weather, or maybe her GPS did, and went the wrong way. She couldn’t see in the rain. Somebody saw it happen from their car. That’s how they know where she … where she was.”
“But is she OK?” Janey asked. Her eyes on him, willing him to make it right. Telling him,You’re the dad, and you always say your job is to protect us.
He tightened his arm around her shoulders. There was no other way to say this. “No. She died.” And he couldn’t bear to think of it. To think of her struggle, her panic.
He couldn’t, so he shoved it away. He had to focus on Janey now.
The tears welled in her eyes, and she bolted to her feet. “No, she didn’t. You can’t say that. It’s my birthday tomorrow! It’s mybirthday!We’re having a party, and she’s taking us for manicures!” Shouting. Fighting it, because Janey would never roll over for bad news. She’d always think she could fix it.
Her mother’s daughter.
The older cop said again, “Sure there’s not somebody we can ring? A friend? A neighbor?”
“No.” There was no making this better. There was only facing it. He tried to hold Janey, but she twisted away, blundered into the wall, and stood facing it, her head down, her arms wrapped around herself. Beckett needed to hold her. He needed to talk to her. But there was this, and it mattered. “Her … her body.”
“Maybe you’d like to put your daughter to bed first,” the cop said, “and we can discuss it.”
“How can I go to bed?” Janey demanded through her tears. “I’m not a child. I’m turningten.I have a right to know.” She turned around to face them, fists clenched, and Beckett could see the strength it took.
What did he do now? He didn’t know. So he said again, “Her body.” They’d made love last night. It had been one of the good times, where afterward, you wrapped your body around her, held her close, felt the warmth and smelled the scent of her, and she smiled against your skin and murmured something sleepy, and you thought,It’s good to be home.
How was he going to lie in that bed again?
“There’ll be an autopsy,” the cop said. “Checking her blood, and so forth. But we’ll need you to identify her body first. It’s a formality, but we have to be sure.” He glanced at Janey.
“She didn’t drink drive,” Beckett said. “That’s not why. She never does. She’s a mum. She’s … she’s careful. You’re thinking she could’ve done it on purpose. No. She’d never. The kids … she’d never.” Thinking,Why didn’t you push it? Why didn’t you ring her and tell her to stay there? Why didn’t you insist?
Identify her body,he thought next. Autopsy.She wasn’t a person to the cops anymore. She was a body, a vessel for a spirit that wasn’t there anymore. How could somebody go from one to the other in an instant? How could she just be … gone?
The cop asked Janey, “What did you do this evening? Have a good night, did you?”
She stared at him. “I didn’t have a good night! My mum isdead.She’sdead!”
“Before,” the cop pressed. “What did you do with your family?”
What?
Janey said, “I was … we were just here. We watched a movie on TV, because Mummy was gone to Auntie Sam’s, and Dad made … he made hamburgers and chips.” Looking wild-eyed, like she couldn’t believe it. Like this couldn’t be happening, not after a movie and burgers and chips. Not to them!
He realized,They think I did it, somehow. That’s why they’re asking.He said, “I’ll answer any questions you have. Tomorrow. Leave me a number. A card. Whatever. I’ll get somebody to stay with the kids so I can come in. But I need to look after them now.”
He’d had one job. One. To take care of his family.
