AllFreeNovel
Share Us
"Yes. I think I always have, in some way. She's kind, loving, and beyond beautiful. One day, I'm going to marry her and have a family. I want to give my future kids everything we never had growing up."
"And then you'll forget all about me and this house. You'll move on and have a perfect little life with a perfect little wife."
"Gabe, just because I love Bella doesn't mean I love you any less. You're my big brother, my only brother; no one could ever replace you."
"Some brother I was, ay," he huffs.
"You were the best brother. If it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't have survived. You kept me safe, and you protected me from Dad. I don't know how, but you always knew how to keep him calm. You were the only one of us he actually liked."
"Liked?" he spits. "You think that bastard liked me? He hated me. Sure, he may not have been able to beat me as easily as he did you. And sure, I may not have had to do as many chores as you did, but believe me, that bastard had his own sick ways to torture me."
"Remember the time when…." Gabe begins telling me story after story of some of the things my dad did to him. Talks about parts of our childhood that even I don't remember.Or maybe my brain made me forget in order to protect itself.Thinking back, I used to think that even though our father was an evil, sadistic bastard, he and Gabe were closer. But in reality, I've come to realize that, in some ways, Gabe had it much worse than I did. I may have been physically abused, but Gabe was mentally and emotionally abused much worse than I ever was. Broken bones heal, but broken souls don't.
"Maybe we need to both speak to someone. This is too much for either of us to bear alone," I suggest.
"We're NOT alone. We have each other. We don't need some goddamn shrink making us spill our guts."
"It's not about that; it's about us both finally overcoming our demons. I struggle with it every day, and it's clear you do as well."
It takes a lot of coaxing, begging, and googling on my part, but I managed to find a counselor here in town who specializes in childhood trauma. I emailed him, letting him know we'd be interested in a joint session.Hopefully, once Gabe sees that it's not so scary, he'll agree to continue seeing him on his own.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
NATHANIEL
SIX MONTHS LATER
"So tell me more about you and Gabe. How have things been since our last appointment? How are things with your girlfriend going?" The counselor asks. Gabe and I started coming here around six months ago. Originally, we had joint sessions once a fortnight with a different person, whereas now we have them separately. It made more sense for him to stay with the person he was comfortable with, and I changed counselors.
"You know what, doc? If someone had told me a year ago that I would be with the girl of my dreams, have a group of friends I love and respect more than family, and that I would finally have everything I could ever wish for, I would have laughed and called them a liar," I gush
"Every day I wake up in awe of the life I lead. To some people, it may seem like a mundane thing that most teenagers would probably take for granted. But to me, it is like a fulfillment of all the hopes, wishes, and desires I never dared to dream of growing up."
"Well, that's good to hear. What about you and Gabe? Last time we spoke, there was still some tension between you, him, and your girlfriend. How's that going?"
"To be honest, it's going pretty well. We're both using the talking techniques we learned, and it is helping. I’ll be blunt with you, I was reluctant about coming here at first. I never thought my guarded asshole of a brother would agree, even reluctantly, to see anyway. But I think it’s helped us so much."
"So, have you tried bringing your girlfriend to the house? Spending some time with your brother as well in a safe space? Last time we spoke, was that something you were considering? My counselor, Mathew, asks.
"I suggested it, but it just led to a big fight again." I reply, slumping further into the plush green chair.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"Standard stuff, really. Gabe got angry and started saying horrible things about Bella, so I got defensive. Next thing I knew, Gabe was smashing glasses, and I was throwing insults. I told him he was a shit brother before storming out. When I finally cooled down enough to return, Gabe was already passed out on the sofa, clutching an empty bottle of whiskey. Obviously, I felt bad after that, but by then, the damage was done. It's easy to forget how fragile Gabe can be sometimes and how much my words affect him.
"That's true. From the stories you've told me, you still tend to act first and think later," he agrees, but still gives me a reassuring smile.
"And what about YOU? How did that make you feel? It's okay to feel pissed off and hurt as well. It's not your job to save everyone else."
"Okay, yeah, I guess I can be kind of apeople pleaser, or too intense. I’ve spent my life terrified that if I'm not perfect, people won’t want me. I'm working on it, though. I just wish Gabe was so willing to make changes as well. I found him passed out on the sofa again last night, an empty bottle of Jack Daniel's still in his hand..."
"Maybe that's his way of coping. I know you've said you have concerns that his drinking has gotten worse. I'm happy to talk more, but perhaps we should talk about you first."
"I guess you're right. I still think he needs to stop, or at least cut down, as it’s becoming a crutch.'' I admit, not wanting to waste my full thirty minutes here talking about Gabe.
After my session finishes, on my drive home, I can't help thinking about Gabe and his drinking. It's completely out of control.
I know the counselor said it's his coping mechanism, but I still don't really get it. Gabe grew up watching the way our father drank to cope, and he seems to have decided to follow him down the same path. He drinks, smokes, gets into fights, and even occasionally takes drugs to try and numb his past. I, on the other hand, have made a promise to myself to never get into a situation that I can't completely control. I don’t want to risk ever hurting someone the way Dad did. Don't get me wrong; I tried a few beers when I was younger with Gabe and his friend before he moved away. But that first morning, when I woke up after a night of drinking, feeling nauseous and unable to remember anything, I vowed never to drink again because I hated the feeling of being vulnerable and scared again.
