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Walking through the door, I see Gabe sitting on the sofa, exactly where I left him almost two hours ago, still scrolling through his phone.
"So Gabe, we're all getting together tonight to play FIFA. Do you feel like joining us? It would be better if we didn't have an odd number of people for teams." I ask
"Who's going to be there?" asks Gabe, reluctantly.
"Just me, Tucker, Danny, and you, if you decide to join," I answer back, feeling hopeful.
"I don't know Nate. They are your new family, not mine," states Gabe, dismissing my suggestion.
"YOU'RE my family, Gabe. Yes, they're my best friends, but they'll never replace YOU," I exclaim, rolling my eyes in frustration.
"I doubt they'll want me there." Gabe shrugs, getting another beer out of the fridge.
"Gabe, you don't have friends; you spend your nights drinking or nursing a bottle at home, and you're too scared to go out in the world and meet people." I huff. "These guys love me, and that means, in time, they will love YOU. You just have to open yourself up and let them see the man I see. Not the grumpy asshole everyone thinks you are," I tease.
"What if I like being a grumpy asshole? And what if I like sitting at home with a beer and the TV for company? Have you ever thought of that, Mr.I'm too good for this life?" Gabe shoots back defensively as he slams his beer on the countertop.
"It has nothing to do with me thinking I'm better than anyone else, Gabe, it's about me wanting to DO better," I reply honestly.
"What's that supposed to mean? Do better than what? ME?" asks Gabe, sounding hurt.
"No, Gabe, better than HIM. Better than the miserable childhood we had. Better than spending the rest of my life alone. Better than becoming cold, bitter, and abusive. But most of all, better than becoming anything like our father!" I yell.
"Wait, is that what you think of me?" He questions, looking clearly taken back and in shock.
"No, of course not. But I'm afraid that if you don't start letting people in, that could be what your future looks like. Don't get me wrong, I know you're not abusive like he was. Yet, you're allowing one thing that happened to make you cold and bitter, just like he did when Mom died. You shut yourself off from the world, lock yourself in the house, and drink every night. Just like he did," I snarl in frustration.
"I never want to be like him; that's my biggest fear," Gabe sadly admits, which makes me feel hurt and guilty because he genuinely looks like my words and outburst have broken his heart.
"Then let me help you. Let me take the lead for once. You spent our entire childhood loving me, saving me, and protecting me from that monster. Now it's my turn to love you and protect you from the monster in your own head," I state, getting emotional. Hopefully, my words, as mean as they were, were the shock he needed to realize his life has hit rock bottom. I never want to hurt him, but I think it may have just been the kick in the butt he needs to change.
"Thank you, little brother," Gabe whispers, sounding so vulnerable and broken.
"You just have to let your walls down and let me in," I reply softly, pulling him into a big bear hug.
***
GABE
"I never want to be like him. That's my biggest fear," I admit, shocked and broken by this constant bitterness and anger I feel toward Dad, myself, Izzy, and the whole horrible situation.
"Then let me help you. Let me take the lead for once. You spent our entire childhood loving me, saving me, and protecting me from that monster. Now it's my turn to love you and protect you from the monster in your own head," Nate pleads.
Finally, realizing how Nate feels, I'm shocked and disgusted with myself. I never thought about what I was doing to the people around me, and it breaks my heart to know my actions have been hurting him. I've played the protector for so long that I never actually learned how to allow myself to feel. And when I do, everything I feel is painful and broken. I pull Nate into a tight hug, and we stand in the kitchen hugging like idiots. That's when I make a promise to myself, then and there. I will try to mend my ways, cut down on the booze, and become the brother I once was. The brother Nate used to look up to with so much love and admiration. Someone worthy of his love.
It's hard, but over the following months, I try to get out there and work on myself a little more. I start by going to therapy more often and try to recognize my triggers. This is the only way, I think, that can truly help me make better choices.
I join his silly boys’ club for game nights, and as much as I hate to admit it, I actually sort of enjoy myself. They're great friends to Nate. I watch them joke and fool around with him. I observe how they treat him with love and respect, and I witness him, in return, appear happier and more carefree than I've ever seen him before. And for that, I can't help but'not hate'them. A few times, I even thought I could learn to'like'them myself.
They don't seem to mind that I'm an asshole. They still allow me to join their group and just share what I want. I don't know how much Nate's told them about our childhood, but they never ask or push. They seem to just skip over awkward conversations when they come up. All in all, they're pretty good guys who I know are genuine friends to Nate.
I've even tried to be there occasionally when the whole gang gets together, such as on birthdays and holidays, but it's much harder. I see the way Nate looks at her, and even my cold, dead heart realizes that his feelings for her are true and honest love. I see an invisible thread pulling him to her; it's like every time he gets too far away from her, he gets torn in two, and when they're together, he's complete again.I wish I knew what that felt like.The closest I can come to that kind of love is the one I feel for Nate. But even I can see that our relationship and connection are an entirely different kind of love. Part of me wishes I could bury the contempt I feel towards her and open up, if only for his sake, but I just can’t do it.
It can't be easy for him when the two people he loves the most are so tense and on edge around each other. I wish I could call her a bitch or say she's a horrible person, but all she does is try to be overly nice to me. It would be so much easier to keep hating her if she wasn't such a so-called good person. And if she didn't look at my brother like he hung the goddamn moon, I just despise her so fucking much that she makes me sick.
Izzy is just so damnperfectall the time, with her "Nana this and Pops that.'' It's frustrating. She seems to really love Nate, but if she does anything to break his heart again, I won't think anything of burning her perfect little life to the ground.
The rest of the girls are just so giggly and happy all the time, it’s just nauseating. I bet none of them have any idea what the real world is like for people like me. None of these girls know what it's like to feel real pain. They don't know what it's like to have to grow up way too quickly because it's either that or starve. They have no idea what it feels like to go to bed scared every night and to have to sleep with a baseball bat under your bed just to feel safe. Or what it's like to never experience love, only to feel hurt by those who are supposed to love and care for you.
