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“But she doesn’t know you. Not like I know you.”
I inhale, her words hurting. Sarah knows me. Every dirty little secret, and she still loves me. “I can’t love you, Sarah.”
“You’ve not even tried.”
“You shouldn’t need to try to love someone,” I whisper. “It should just happen.”
She looks away. I take no pleasure from the anguish my truth causes. And I wonder, how can I be so honest with Sarah but not with Ava? Because if Sarah walks out of my life, it would be a blessing. I know that. Problem is, I can’t make that happen. She has to leave herself.
And like an iron shield slides into place, hiding her softer side, she sniffs, clears her throat, and straightens her shoulders. “I have way too much to do to stand around chatting. I’ll see you later.” She leaves, shutting the door quietly behind her, and I look at the ceiling in utter despair, because that there was a woman with no intention of going anywhere. She couldn’t survive without The Manor. Has no purpose beyond it. Just clinging to a past that she should let go. Just clinging to a man that she shoulddefinitelylet go.
I breathe out, scrubbing a hand over my face, pulling myself together. Then I return to the bar.
I walk in and find Ava knocking back one of Mario’s cocktails. “What have you got there?” I ask, and she whirls around on her stool, all smiles. Oblivious to my turmoil.
“You should try,” she says, excited. “Oh my God.” She looks in a state of euphoria, something I’m familiar with, but knowing alcohol is the cause?
“No thanks,” I mutter, sitting. “I’ll take your word for it.” I look away. “Don’t drink too much.”
She throws me an apology, mortified, and puts the glass down, facing the bar again, every inch of her awkward, and I feel awful for it. This isn’t Ava’s fault. None of my shit is her fault.
Fuck you, Ward.I reach for her, getting her onto my lap. “Hey, it’s fine.” I peek down to where she’s hiding in my chest. “Unravel your knickers, lady.” I laugh under my breath. I should heed my own advice and try some unraveling. I lift her face to mine, smiling softly. “Stop it and kiss me.”
I don’t need to ask her twice. Her fingers feel at my neck, fisting my hair. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, indulging in my mouth.
“I said, stop it. I don’t know what your concern is.” I eye the glass on the bar. It’s not my drink of choice, but if she’d had a vodka in her hand? What would I do? Grab it and down it all?
“Did you get everything sorted?”
“I did.” I got absolutely nothing sorted. I shouldn’t have come here. All I’ve achieved is upsetting my closest friends, and had it confirmed that I’m reaching for the stars. “Now we eat, and then we go home to bath and snuggle for a while, deal?”
She agrees and we tuck into our lunch when it arrives, a comfortable silence falling between us. Watching her next to me. Just eating, being here. It feels good. Normal.
“Jesse, are you happy for the band to set up in the far corner of the summer room?”
I look over my shoulder and find Sarah. She’s reapplied her makeup. Gathered herself. “That’s fine. I thought we agreed on that?”
“We did.” She shrugs, her eyes looking past me to Ava. “I was just checking. How are you, Ava?”
After much too long thinking about it, Ava turns and smiles. It’s fake. “I’m good, thank you, Sarah. And you?”
I move my attention back to Sarah, chewing my way through my steak slowly as I watch her force a smile to within an inch of her life. “I’m fine. Are you looking forward to tonight?”
Oh no, let’s not get carried away. A civilized hello is all it needs.“Yes,” Ava says, her smile stretching. “I am.”
I frown when her fingers slip into her hair and start twiddling. “I’m heading off,” I say before throwing a few orders at Sarah, keen to remove us all from the awkward atmosphere. I sound sharp and demanding, and I absolutely didn’t mean to.
“Of course.” Sarah’s a master at delivering looks to kill, and I just dropped dead on the spot. “I’ll leave you to it. See you later, Ava.”
“Bye,” Ava practically sings, and I’m back to looking between them. They both have unnatural smiles in place, neither prepared to be the first to drop it, until Ava relents and returns to her food.
I look at Sarah, like what the fuck? And she mouths, “What?” looking injured, before rolling her eyes and leaving.
“Why are you not looking forward to this evening?” I ask Ava, following her lead and poking at my lunch.
“I am.” One hand goes to her hair again and twists a lock around her finger.
“Ava,” I sigh tiredly. “Stop twiddling your hair.” I’m calling her out. “You did it when Sarah asked you and you’re doing it now.” She stills when I hit my knee with hers, and I watch as she slowly untwines her fingers and places her cutlery down.
