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He thinks about this, and then his eyes find mine.
“So, you would rather miss out on the love of an amazing woman to sit back and watch me live my life?”
“You don’t understand.”
“Look, you wanting to be here with me, for me and Avery—you’ll never know what that means to me, but you’re right, I don’t understand. Explain it to me.”
“I don’t want to live in New York. This is my home, it’s where my family is, I see myself growing old here. She doesn’t want the same things I do.”
“No one said you had to live there permanently. Why can’t you split time? New York is a great city.”
I don’t answer him, and his eyebrows rise in question.
“Did you even offer to split time?”
“We didn’t get to that.” I look away.
“So let me get this straight: you love this girl but don’t want to offer or make any sacrifices to be with her? That’s not how relationships work. You know that. It can’t be all about you and what you want, and I know you’re not an inflexible guy. That’s never been you. But, Clay, if this is something you can’t get past then you’re not really in love with her like I think you are. I don’t say this to discourage you, it’s just the truth. Because there is nowhere on this planet Avery could go that I wouldn’t follow. I love you, but you’d see my taillights.”
He’s right. I know he is, and I’m not an inflexible guy.
Weight is lifted off my back, and I suddenly feel lighter.
I was already leaning that way, but hearing him say it, it somehow frees me from these expectations I’ve put on myself over the last year and a half, expectations I definitely needed at the time but don’t anymore, at least not all of them. Do I like how much I’ve personally and emotionally grown? Yes, but part of that growth has to be open, not closed off to other people and opportunities, and I have to accept who they are. Emma made choices, choices that hurt me, but she was doing the best she could with what life had thrown her way, and she’s still doing her best. She’s bright, fun, kind, and beautiful. She told me she loved me so she’d have no regrets. Her courage is admirable and something I can learn from.
Maya Angelou said, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” It feels so good to finally admit that I do trust her, completely. I definitely love her in ways I didn’t know were possible, and it’s easy to say I am putting myself first by giving her a second chance.
My gaze shoots to Ash, and his face splits into the biggest smile. Whatever he sees on my face has him moving to pack up the few items sitting around.
“I take it we’re not swimming,” he teases.
I smile back. “Not today.”
30
EMMA
As soon as I got back from Austin and walked into my condo, I dropped my bags, took a shower, and climbed into my bed. It’s where I’ve mostly stayed except for the one time I ventured out to restock food. In addition to hiding, I’m also eating my sorrows. Pastas, cakes, dips for snacks, Thai and pizza delivery—you name it, I’ve eaten it.
Cora asked me what was wrong when we met in the lobby to fly home, but I didn’t have it in me to answer her. From there she left me alone, and I’ve greatly appreciated it. I canceled our jam session, claiming I didn’t feel good, and well, that’s not really a lie. I feel awful.Actually, awful isn’t the right word either. Ending—that seems more accurate. Why does it feel like my world is ending? Nothing about my life has changed, yet it somehow feels like everything has.
Clay called. I’ll give him that, but what did he expect me to say? I certainly wasn’t going to sit on the phone and cry to him. He doesn’t want to hear it. In fact, I have no idea what he wants to hear.
Clay texted asking if I got home okay, but what would he have done if I hadn’t? It’s certainly not like he was going to come here. He’s made it clear that New York is not where he wants to be, and I refuse to put myself in another situation where he makes me feel like my wants and feelings aren’t as important as his.
I did the thing I never do. I stepped out of my comfort zone not necessarily knowing what the end result might be, just what I hoped it would be, and I’m never doing that again. I showed up, failed, and got the participation trophy. Now, I just need this horrible feeling of loss and embarrassment to pass so I can move on with my life. The sun will rise tomorrow. This is what I keep reminding myself of.
I’m sitting in my chair by the window when I hear a set of keys outside my condo. The door is unlocked, and Cora pushes it open and walks in. She frowns when she sees me, but I light up at seeing her. She’s carrying two extra-large lattes from my favorite coffee shop.
“You look like shit,” she says as she walks over and hands me the drink.
“Wow. Gee, thanks. Tell me how you really feel.”
She rolls her eyes at me as she peels off a lightweight camel-colored coat and throws it on the couch. “I’m not sure you really want to know what I think.” She looks around at the mess I’ve made of my home.
“Cora.”
“Emma,” she challenges right back.
