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The look of hope in both their eyes is the last blow to the heart tonight.
Nat sharpened the knife and they just pushed it in.
Me and football will never be good enough in their eyes. I want to scream that at them, but I just can’t. There is no malice in what they’re doing. They just think they know what’s best for me, but all it shows me is that the problem is they don’t really know me.
Because if they did, they would know that the football scholarship is the best thing for me. I count to ten in my head before I speak so I don’t lose my shit.
“Thanks for the offer but I’m leaving for Syracuse University to take up my position as I said. I’m really tired and I’m heading to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Standing, I’m moving out of the room before they get much chance to even speak.
I just can’t do this anymore.
Knowing you aren’t wanted and will never be good enough are two emotions I can’t carry with me anymore.
Maybe it’s time to move on to what I want in my life and forget about everyone else’s wishes. Because apparently, what I want doesn’t really matter anyway.
I lie on my back on top of the covers, still fully dressed. I didn’t think I’d sleep, but all the emotion must have drained any energy I had left because I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. I know what I need to do tomorrow, and for that, I need all the strength I can get, so I let the exhaustion take over.
NATALIE
My head is thumping from a lack of sleep, my body is sore in places it’s never been sore before, and my heart feels like it’s been crumbled into pieces. Only one of the above issues is worth putting up with the pain this morning. The other two are self-inflicted and I’m sure I need to work out how to fix them.
About five am this morning I knew that if something hurts this hard then it can’t be right. I might have thought I was doing the right thing, but now I’m in all kinds of self-doubt. Maybe Jordan is right and we can work on this. Here I was giving him the speech last night about how he can’t give up his football career before he even tries. Yet I’m the one throwing away the chance at something special between us before we’ve even given it a shot.
I need to fix this, and I need to do it today. Finally getting some sleep after my big lightbulb moment, my hair is still all matted and the mascara from the tears is smeared down my cheeks. I must look like I’ve been dragged through hell. Jumping out of bed, my phone tells me I’ve slept later than I thought. It’s ten o’clock and the house is still quiet. No idea if Xavier came home or not last night, and even if he did, he won’t be surfacing before midday anyway. It gives me time to shower and leave before he asks too many questions.
I’ve never been one to really care what I’m wearing because I’ve had no one to impress, but this morning there are now at least ten outfits on my bed where I’ve thrown them. All in a hurry so there is no order to the mess I’ve created. Leaving it there, I’m rushing out the door when my phone buzzes in my back pocket of the jean shorts I chose. My heart skips a beat hoping it’s Jordan, but my face drops as soon as I see it’s Mom just letting me know that they’re leaving my Auntie’s house who they were visiting with last night.
I don’t know why I would even think Jordan would message me when last night I told him to forget about me and go have a life.
Although that girly romantic part of me wants to think that he’s too infatuated with me and won’t let me go. Every girl has the fantasy that the man of their dreams will fight for them, even when he thinks there is no hope.
Walking onto Jordan’s road, his house is only two down from the corner. His truck isn’t out front of his house, and my heart sinks a little. I have been brewing up all this courage to turn up and tell him what an idiot I was last night and he’s not even home. I want to turn and retreat until he returns, but his mom is on the porch and has already seen me. She waves at me and beckons for me to come to her with her hand.
“Hello, dear, I’m guessing you’re here to see Jordan?” She doesn’t look herself and in fact she looks like she might have been crying.
“Hi, Mrs. Brandon. Yes, I just thought I’d call around and see if he needed any help packing, but I can see he’s out. I might come back later.” I’m standing at the bottom of the steps feeling a bit nervous in her presence. Part of me is holding back actually saying something to her about the way they treat Jordan, but I bite my tongue knowing that it’s not my fight.
“Sorry, Nat, but you’re too late for the packing.” She’s reaching for a couple of envelopes.
“Oh, I suppose a boy doesn’t have much to pack.”
“True, and it took no time for him to load it up before he left…” She comes to the top of the steps and hands me two white envelopes, the top one with my name and the other Xavier’s. My brain is starting to catch up with what she just said.
“Wait, what? Left for where?” I stumble over the words with a growing sick feeling building in my gut.
“For college, dear. He decided he would leave this morning to get a chance to settle in before training camp. It was all a shock, and he was in a real rush. Totally caught me by surprise, and to be honest, I think I’m still in shock he’s really gone. He asked me to give those to you and your brother. I guess he didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”
Staring at them in my hands, they feel like a bomb that’s ready to explode with words that I’m not going to want to hear.
In a zombie-like state, I just thank her and start walking home. Once I turn the corner and she can no longer see me, my walk becomes a run until I reach the front door. I burst through it and straight into the safety of my room.
The house still so quiet you’d be able to hear a pin drop if it wasn’t for the noise of my erratic breathing. My hands shaking, I slip open the envelope and slide out the paper. Unfolding it, I see there aren’t many words. Just enough to shatter my hopes of fixing what I broke.
Dear Nat,
I decided it would be easier on us both if I left today.
Like you said, I need to go and live my new life on my own.
