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I rested my head on my seat, feeling the road bend and curve beneath our tires. Blind or not, I knew where she was bringing me about three minutes in. With the whirr of the bridge to our favorite neighboring island under rubber, I finally peeled my eyes open, but it was my mother that I watched. Her face was relaxed as she guided us to our favorite walk for lazy, thoughtful days. The place she brought me when it was just the two of us, sneaking away from the constant noise of our house. Stepping out to the trail head, I was somehow reduced to the teenage boy she’d brought here after his first heartbreak. She leaned against her car to remove her boots and I did the same. Barefoot, we wandered through the emerald glow of towering pines and spruce, the chill and stab of the earth and rocks hard against my feet. She was always quick to accept my outstretched hand to steady her over streams or logs and up the tiny footbridges.
When at last the trees gave way to open meadows that abruptly fell into the sea, she sighed, settling in the tall grass and wildflowers. She patted the ground beside her, the lyrics still ringing in my memory as I joined her. There we sat as the sun finally burned through the fog, the clouds gradually rolling toward the mountains behind us.
“Are you satisfied?” She finally asked, leaning nonchalantly on her hands. I scoffed, drawing a breath that burned my lungs.
Tonguing at a molar, I nodded, but the words that escaped contradicted the sentiment. “Should’ve killed him for touching her.”
“But…?” she hedged.
“Didn’t want to throw away my chance for a life with her.”
“What’s your heart say?”
Throat tight, I watched the water meet the cliffs below, attempting to steady my breathing. “I know it’s madness, mom…but I love her.”
“I know,” she said without hesitating.
Scowling, I turned to study her as she smiled back at me, skin crinkling around her eyes with every smile, every near-death experience the twelve of us put her through. “How?”
“You’re many things, my sweet boy, but subtle isn’t one of them. You’ve loved three women in your life. But she’s the only one that deserves it.”
“We just started out. Juststartedto get to know each other.”
“But you would have thrown your life away for her last night.”
“He’s a piece of shit—”
“It’s not about him. It’s not even aboutthem.”
“I don’t follow.”
“Oh, my sweet boy.” She sighed, lifting a hand to stroke my jaw like I was still her little five-year-old and not a full grown man that nearly beat someone to death, the evidence over the bruised mess of my hands. “You didn’t hesitate to risk your own neck for her last night.”
“Would’ve defended my siblings, or Brin, or—”
“Anyone who couldn’t defend themselves. Sure. You’re telling me that’s what this is?” A solitary blonde brow arched towards her braided hair. “This was personal.”
My chest ached, and I refocused on the water crashing below us as sunlight gradually fought free to wrap around us. “I can’t describe it, but she’smine, Mom. I’ve known it for a while now.”
“Does she?”
“No.”
The corner of her lips quirked. “She should.”
“I’m…I’m going to lose her, aren’t I?” Just saying it aloud lanced pain through my chest.
“If that’s your decision,” she said, casually shrugging a shoulder like we weren’t discussing my entire future.
“Mydecision?”
“Well, will you let her in or push her away?”
Brow furrowed, I turned back to look at her, but she just lifted her chin, basking in the emerging sunshine. “I’m no different from him.”
Mom barked out a laugh before leveling me with a glare that said I was twelve kinds of stupid.
“Youweren’t there,” I said defensively. “I fucking lost it, Mom. I thought I’d beat him to death right there on the docks.Wantedto. He laid his hands on her and I fucking snapped.”
