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“Claire, don’t do this here. I’ll give you money, but you need to leave.” Cam’s voice is deep, firm and determined. He’s protecting me and it makes my eyes fill with tears.
“You don’t tell me what to do with my fucking life. I want to seemydaughter.” Her words hiss from her mouth as she steps closer to Cam, poking his chest.
When Cam captures her wrist, she stumbles backwards and struggles to regain her balance.
I only needed to glimpse at the glaze of her eyes when she stumbles to know that she’s high, those vacant dull orbs are etched into my memory at this point.
She’s not here for me.
“Leave now and I won’t call the police,” Cam growls.
“Get the fuck off me,brother.”
The way she says brother has so much malice that the sound lingers in the room like a bad smell.
“Mum, stop.” The words leave my mouth before I can stop them. When her eyes snap to me, her lips tip upwards in a smile that sends chills down my arms and I suddenly wish I hadn’t gained her attention. I pray that my body doesn’t show how small I feel right now. I push my shoulders back, trying to gain some semblance of strength, even though I don’t feel strong right now.
“Jessie, baby, come home with me. You don’t belong here, you belong with me.”
My heart folds in on itself. I should belong with her; I should feel completely safe with her, but the reality is, I don’t and I haven’t for a long time. The pain of my reality cuts deep, deeper than I have ever felt. It’s as if seeing her has ripped open an old wound that wasn’t completely healed, and judging by the look on her face, she’s not done pouring salt into it yet either.
The worst part of this is that the little girl inside of me just wants her mum. The one who used to make me pancakes for breakfast and brush my hair every night, before she read me stories, but the woman in front of me is a stranger. One that I can’t save anymore.
My heart thrashes, beating against my chest torturously. The faint thumping of the party behind us creeps back into my reality. The last thing I want is my college friends to see her make more of a scene, but I can’t focus on anything else around me; it’s all blurry and distorted.
“You should listen to Cam and leave… now.” My hands shake as I squeeze them into fists by my sides. The hurt inside of me feels like a wildfire that is ripping through me, obliterating everything I ever felt for her, but I can’t let her see any of that; I won’t give her the satisfaction. Not that she’d remember it when she’s sober. But me? I’ll be left with the memories for a lifetime.
“You don’t mean that, Jessie. Come on. We’re leaving together.” She brushes off my request as though it was nothing.
She grabs my wrist, trying to pull me forwards, my skin pinching under her fingers, but Cam has her off me before she gets a chance to take me anywhere.
“I’m not leaving.” I place my hand over Cam’s, silently letting him know that I’ve got this. He nods and steps back so I can face my mum. “You left me.” I try to keep my voice stern, but I fail as emotion digs its claws into my throat. No, I will not let her see me cry. I swallow down all the emotion before I demand, “Leave… now!”
The way she stands in front of me; so fucking broken, a shell of the person I love makes my breath stutter. It takes all my courage not to break down and ask her why she chose something so fucking disgusting over me, why she tarnished all those memories of us against the world, just me and my mum, forever. But I don’t. I can’t ask her because I’m too scared of the answer. My lips purse as I stare at her, glaring at the ghost of the woman I thought I knew.
She huffs, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. “You know, I gave up everything for you and you do this… choosing my brother over me?” She runs her chipped polished fingers through her hair. “I fucking hate you for that, Jessie.”
Her words are bitter and sharp, but she chose her addiction over me, so it feels somehow fitting that she feels the same about me now. We’re even.
Except, it was never a game I wanted to play.
She turns to leave, slamming the door. As soon as it connects, the noise echoing through the hallway, I fall to the floor in a heap. My heart shatters into a million pieces, my hands clutch at my throat, hoping that somehow, I can figure out how to breathe again. The silent sobs come hard and fast and I feel Cam scoop me into his arms, but it gives me minimal relief as he tries to comfort me; his voice is distant as he tells me it’s okay.
How would he know it’s okay? Nothing about this is okay.
I’m broken, forever scarred by someone I love.
I don’t remember how I got upstairs to my bedroom, or how long Nora and Liam sat with me because I don’t feel like I’m in my own body right now. I’m looking down at myself, sitting on my bed with my two best friends either side of me, wondering how to wake up tomorrow and be okay.
“It’s almost midnight,” Nora whispers next to me.
My face is crispy from the tears that have dried on my cheeks. My body feels hollow, like there are no more organs occupying the space anymore. Everything feels upside down and backwards as I look at Nora trying to figure out how to say something without sobbing again.
Liam’s hand finds mine, and he links our fingers together, brings them to his mouth and kisses each of my fingers. I try to smile, but I can’t. Maybe I’ll try again later.
The cheers and bangs of distant fireworks tell us that it’s officially midnight. Both Nora and Liam stay silent and just sit with me as we listen to other people’s joy that erupts downstairs.
The start to a new year.
